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April 27, 2007
Approaching 30
The older I get, the harder it is to remember my age. I know this sounds ridiculous, but every time I have to write it down on an official form, I do a double-take. Is that really me? When did I get that old? What exactly did I do with all that time between turning 21 and now?
Yesterday, I performed my civic duty - I went to jury duty. Writing down 29, I had to remind myself that yes, a month ago I did in fact celebrate my 29th birthday. Where did that time go?
I've stood still for the last 1.5 years. Outwardly, things have changed: I quit a dead-end job, I moved back to Cali, I started a fascinating career doing something I never dreamed would make me happy, etc. But inwardly, I stopped.
October, 2005, while breaking my heart in slow motion, you wondered how you would be portrayed in a chapter of my memoir. Instead of writing it down and letting it go, I chose to stop - clinging to memories of ecstasy, rather than moving willfully towards future happiness.
Cancer has done strange things to me - it has slowed me down physically, but sped me up mentally. Waking up early one day causes me to be completely decimated the next. But none of these changes have exorcised you. Tonight, I begin the process of removing you from the present tense of my emotional life.
I've lived all this time afraid that each person only gets one soulmate and that my fate was to live out my days pining for a soulmate lost to the excitement & freedom of individuality. I can't pretend to be as romantic or emotionally open as I was as a young woman. But I can choose to stop believing I'm stuck on a dead-end street.
I choose the open road. I don't know where it's headed and I can't see over the next ridge to know what options are in my future. With one foot in front of the other, I will be me again. The complete me: full of love, eager to dance, enjoying fine wine, good food, and better company. I will not hide in my activism or my paid work.
Eleven years ago, I sat in this room cursing the walls that closed me in. I travelled far and wide to understand the basic truth: happiness lies within and does not depend on physical surroundings. I still wish my fam lived in Chicago or Boston, but they're here; so I'm here. And it's a great place to be.
Posted by cj at April 27, 2007 08:33 PM