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May 20, 2007
Loud Voices Falling Silent
It's interesting to spend a weekend alone with your thoughts. They rush in very loudly and try to spew out through your fingertips. But the cold wind of tomorrow's reality can stop them from every reaching the printed page - or blogosphere.
I hit on a guy at a bar Friday night. Nothing unusual about that, except that it's been a long time since I've engaged in casual banter. Since he rejected me, I wonder what reaction I would've got from proclaiming my disease in that random convo. Which led me to wondering about first dates and whether me, the open book, is capable of keeping up the banter for several dates before handing a stranger this completely incomprehensible bit of information.
But the truth is, most people have read my blogs before they agree to meet me. So whether the uptight member of the tribe thinks I'm a heretic for my conviction that Israel must end its occupation of Palestine for Jews to be truly free and to have a chance at peace, or whether its the scary C word, one way or another I'm a bit too much baggage for one person to handle.
And then I started thinking, what would I want my first impression to be? Clearly me on a good hair day (this whole not washing my hair everyday to preserve the red color is getting annoying), and me not dressed like a schlub. I don't think I'd want my first impression on a dance floor - men aren't that into me when I'm dancing. And maybe I don't want the first thing they know about me to be my profession, since I'm not so good at defending the art of junk mail (the process is a beautiful origami, and the wasted paper and ink is justified in the capital return on investment; but I can't really wax poetic on that). Maybe I do want to be known as a peace activist, even though I'm scared it'll turn every eligible bachelor away; maybe I do want to be known as a writer / blogger, even though this blog has spiraled into a chronicle of my thyroid-cancer induced navel gazing. All I know is that I don't want pity and I want to be taken seriously, but not too seriously.
I can't wait for July when my metabolism is closer to normal and my hypothetical dating life has a chance of becoming reality.
I thought about other things this weekend, but the things of consequence haven't changed. I did manage to find another over-priced, under-qualified nail salon. And I'm beginning to wonder how much longer I can justify the expense of acrylic nails.
Posted by cj at May 20, 2007 09:59 PM