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June 01, 2008
Soliloquy to My Pre-Cancer Outlook
Forgive me for what I'm about to write. If you barely know me, this may be uncomfortable to hear - more deeply personal than you probably wanted to know. That seems to be the reaction I get most often from people when I try to express what I've been through in the last year. Whether it's my own health journey or the death of one of my closest friends, my experiences are too raw for most people to handle hearing.
I feel guilty typing. I'm inundated with the knowledge that I survived a "good cancer;" that my disease has a treatment (though I'm not responsible for my actions if you dare to call it a cure). But honestly, I am so fucking angry at what it's taken away from me.
Earlier in my post-cancer life, a friend commented that getting thyroid cancer was the universe's way of telling me something about the use of my voice. This is one bit of modern-day fairy tales that really gets to me. The universe is not telling me to use my voice more effectively by creating a permanent scar on my throat. Rather, the military industrial complex is reminding me that nuclear power is not the environmentally friendly fantasy people believe.
Environmental hazards near where I grew up and went to summer camp, along with my stint organizing around the country's oldest nuclear plant contributed to me getting thyroid cancer.
I used to be myopically focused on Politics, without understanding the connection between the Environment and everyday life. I thought that was a realm only important to middle-class white people who don't have to worry about the devastating effects of free-trade capitalism on the vast majority of people in the world. Now, more than ever, I respect the interconnectedness of our problems.
I can still rant endlessly about the world's problems and the need for civil society as a pillar of effective democracy, but now my anger is tempered by a profound understanding of my own mortality. So if I tell you how old I feel, know that the sentiment is based on my life experience, not my physical age.
Posted by cj at 01:08 PM | Comments (0)