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June 20, 2009
the detritus of my mind
These last few weeks have been difficult. I can't place my finger on when it started or why it wont end, but I've been in a funked out place of trauma and incompetence for what seems like forever. Sometimes, it feels like the only person who noticed my shift in moods is my boyfriend. Not that the prevailing winds of my moods should direct the world.
Really, I've been gasping for perspective. I've been trying to remind myself that I'm doing okay: that I'm getting enough done at work, to stop thinking about all the things I could be doing faster if my head was screwed on properly, and to remember that my deliverables have been met.
But just as I started to work my way out of my fear of work, my personal world crashed in around me. I'm shell shocked at the losses. I find it difficult to move beyond profound grief. Facing the cold hard reality of the shifting sands of relationships is petrifying. I thought some things were sacred. I thought blood was a bond that couldn't be broken. I had no idea how tenuous human connections really are.
One thing is for certain: I am determined to stop pushing away the love that is in my life. Though some people choose to live without me, others are very definitely here. And I have to stop fearing the future and embrace the present. There is soul-expanding love in my life and instead of questioning its depth or longevity, I must make myself open to the present presence of this exquisite present.
Posted by cj at June 20, 2009 03:26 PM