angelheaded hipster

November 15, 2009

Light, Dark, Emotions, Will

I recently made a very simple observation and am wondering why it took me so many weeks to do so. My office recently moved from a brightly lit suite to a dimly lit warehouse. I thought my change in productivity was solely due to physical changes - I went from an office with an ergonomic chair to a completely not ergonomic mini-cubicle in a high traffic area. Yes, the physical surrounding are troubling. But it's the lack of light that really gets to me.

By the end of the day, I simply am not the same person I was when I walked in. Apparently, my neurons may be dying. Well, now that I can articulate the cause of my melancholy, I must use my strong will to work past it.

Add this to the list of reasons I can't wait to get a dog. S/he'll be joining me in January, when I return from my trip to India for a peace conference. So much to do: must figure out where to find him/her, and most importantly - what to name him/her. I've always had male dogs, so I'm not sure how I'd do with a girl pup. Oh yes, and preparing for that peace conference is also on my to-do list.

Posted by cj at 07:39 PM | Comments (0)

November 07, 2009

The Act of Will

I'm sure it's clear to the two people who read this blog that I have been silent for months at a time. I continue to be a student of culture, but without the discipline to put my thoughts to paper. Additionally, the things that pull me closest to paper are brought forth by my weekly sojourns in a sanctuary and I've feared those weren't my thoughts to share.

Well, no more. The rebbetzin encouraged us to share our love of Ohr Hatorah with family and friends, and this is the primary place for me to express my ecstatic appreciation of all things cultural.

Brief background: I grew up at a conservative shul in the Valley. I learned to sing and to daven there. And my rabbi, the one who taught me for my confirmation, committed suicide. There's more I could say about my troubled relationship with organized Jewry, but I'll leave it there for now.

Rabbi Finley leads Ohr Hatorah with an eye towards explaining spiritual psychology, to prepare oneself as a receptacle for the Divine. His teaching is grounded in a neo-Hasidic interpretation of Kabbalah.

Experiencing Shabbat at Ohr Hatorah can be the most enlightening, soul expanding experience of your life. Or, if you choose to focus on the oddities, it can leave you feeling terribly isolated.

The rabbi is in the midst of teaching about Roberto Assagioli's The Act of Will. Last week, he suggested that anyone interested in purchasing the book, look for it on addall.com, which is a bookstore search engine. Through AddALL, I found a used copy and it arrived on Friday.

The best thing about studying Assagioli is that it isn't difficult to read his writing. Unlike Abraham Joshua Heschel's God in Search of Man, this book is written in perfectly modern language. It's theme can be overwhelming; but the map to a coherent existence that it offers is priceless. Some of us yearn for a deeper existence and a life of meaning must be pursued consciously. By understanding the qualities of will, the types of will, and using will to harmonize our sensations, feelings, impulses, imagination, thoughts, and intuition we can lift ourselves to a higher realm of consciousness.

Assagioli's Relationship Between Self, Will and Other Psychological Functions

Today's study session focused on this diagram, along with his egg diagram as maps to self awareness that can lead to a life of consciousness, where you reflect and expand your core truth rather than swaying with the winds of modern life.

I've only scratched the surface of the subject (I'm only on page 33 of the book), but it feels profoundly true and a helpful instruction manual for living a life of virtue. Here are some definitions, gleaned from the book:

Repression: implies unconscious condemnation or fear (or both!) and the consequent endeavor to prevent the repressed material from emerging from the unconscious to consciousness

Endurance: It has been found that refusal to accept suffering can often create neurotic conditions, while generous acceptance of unavoidable suffering leads to insight, growth, and achievement.

Initiative, Courage, Daring: This quality has two roots: one is the recognition that full and lasting security is fundamentally an illusion. The other incentive toward courage is the enhancement and stimulation given by danger, by risk.

Perhaps when I have finished the book, or the rabbi finishes his series of study sessions on this topic, I'll be able to offer a more comprehensive description of the act of will.

In the meantime, think about this: what core values define you? How do you actively emanate these values on a daily basis? Do you work daily to live a life of consciousness?

Here's hoping I slow down long enough to breathe deeply and internalize these teachings each day.

Posted by cj at 05:01 PM | Comments (0)

June 20, 2009

the detritus of my mind

These last few weeks have been difficult. I can't place my finger on when it started or why it wont end, but I've been in a funked out place of trauma and incompetence for what seems like forever. Sometimes, it feels like the only person who noticed my shift in moods is my boyfriend. Not that the prevailing winds of my moods should direct the world.

Really, I've been gasping for perspective. I've been trying to remind myself that I'm doing okay: that I'm getting enough done at work, to stop thinking about all the things I could be doing faster if my head was screwed on properly, and to remember that my deliverables have been met.

But just as I started to work my way out of my fear of work, my personal world crashed in around me. I'm shell shocked at the losses. I find it difficult to move beyond profound grief. Facing the cold hard reality of the shifting sands of relationships is petrifying. I thought some things were sacred. I thought blood was a bond that couldn't be broken. I had no idea how tenuous human connections really are.

One thing is for certain: I am determined to stop pushing away the love that is in my life. Though some people choose to live without me, others are very definitely here. And I have to stop fearing the future and embrace the present. There is soul-expanding love in my life and instead of questioning its depth or longevity, I must make myself open to the present presence of this exquisite present.

Posted by cj at 03:26 PM | Comments (0)

May 09, 2009

MS Roundtable from the Nancy Davis Foundation

My mom and I went to the MS Roundtable discussion at the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza today. The following are my notes from the discussion. I did not take short-hand from all speakers.

Introductory Remarks
Nancy Davis: If something is not working for you, you owe it to yourself to read, research and talk to other MS patients.

Dr. Hauser: MS is one of the great mysteries of medicine. Number of MS cases has increased, with the frequency getting greater over the last 100 years. This increase largely, maybe entirely, affects women. There are inherited and environmental factors that lead to this disease. Environmental factors may be more important than inherited ones.

There are 3 new technologies that are helping to fight MS:

1. Molecular biology: soon we'll have a blood test to determine whether patients are at risk and how MS will behave in an individual (based on the disease's biomarker).
   
2. Imaging
   
3. Computers and Information Technology: we're using these to help understand what is triggering MS in the environment
   

Dr. Les Weiner: In California, we're excited about stem cells. There are still federal laws that impede stem cell research. It is a step forward that the new administration understands we need science not only as an engine of the economy, but for our wellbeing. There are currently 12-14 phase 3 trials for new MS medication and some of these are pills. [As opposed to the normal treatment regimen which involves injecting medication through long needles.]

Dr. Kaplan: Thoughts, behavior and feelings are an important aspect of disease management. MS can cause clynical depression because of inflammation affecting the brain. Suicide is the third leading cause of death with MS. Yet, there is hope because depression is the most treatable symptom of MS. The brain can healt itself if you shut off the inflammation. The federal government is funding MS research at 10%, meaning that 9 out of 10 research grant requests are denied. This is why the Nancy Davis Foundation and other private funding sources are so desperately needed.

Dr. Howard Weiner: We're conducting a national history study, following 1,000 patients to find out why some patients do well and why some patients don't do well. We're looking for the signatures of individual patient. There is a potential for blood tests for what stage you're at and whether you'll enter the progressive stage. Five oral therapies are in stage 3 trials. We're trying to develop non-toxic oral therapies. And there is a very good chance for a happy, fulfilling life with MS.

Dr. Waubant, pediatric MS specialist: The youngest patient had symptions at 1.5 years old. We're working to understand better why some patients develop symptoms younger, maybe environmental and this will help understanding MS in general.

Dr. Bourdette: We're working to understand why nerve factors die in progressive MS. We believe there is an energy failure in the never fibers: mitochondria become non-functioning. Our particular target is to use MRI to measure the amount of ATP in brains of people with MS compared to healthy brains.

Answering Questions from the Audience
Will stem cells help create a new generation of medicine for MS?
Dr. Les Weiner: My answer is yes, with no real data to support my answer. This is a hostile environment for stem cells to enter. It is a promising field, but a difficult area to be certain about. We have to be slow in developing trials because you don't want to cause cancer. Brain tumors are a potential side effect of stems cells. We're optimistic that we'll be able to make stem cells from skin rather than embryonic origin. We have to go slowly in developing stem cell therapy because of the need for safety precautions.

Is a cure just around the corner?
Dr. Howard Weiner: There are three definitions of curing:

1. Halt the progression of the disease. Treatments currently allow many people to live a normal life. Not everyone, but all of us have patients who are healthy. It is important to treat MS and treat it early, at the first signs of disease.
   
2. Rebuild the nervous system: treat people so they get better. Rebuilding myelin sheath. This is the next frontier.
   
3. Did scientists find a cure for polio? No, we figured out a way to prevent polio rather than curing it. We have programs now trying to prevent MS. We're using blood tests to identify kids at risk to try to treat them so that they never come down with MS.

How do you deal with family members who are over-bearing in their desire to help you with your MS?
Families mean well, but are more frightened than you are. Educate yourself and educate your family and they'll get sick of learning about it.

How do you feel about mega doses of Vitamin D, e.g. 50,000 IUD?
Low serum vitamin D levels increase the risk of getting MS. Most people don't need more than 1,000-2,000 IUD/day. Vitamin D turns down the activity of the immune system.

Nancy Davis: I read, talk, and educate myself about MS. Embracing it, understanding what to do. Live every single day to its fullest. Don't put something off that you can do today. I have MS, but MS doesn't have me.

Dr. Waubant: pregnancy is safe and decreases the risk of progression of the disease. Knowing this taught us the role of hormones in regulating the disease. Up to three months after delivery, there is an increased possibility of symptoms. Breast feeding may decrease the risk of exacerbation.

Dr. Kaplan: Reviewing blood samples of depressed patients, their white blood cells were twice as aggressive as normal rates. Therefore, its important to treat depression to ensure that white blood cells stay at normal levels. A number of studies are being done to determine what drugs protect neurons. SSRIs and lithium (anti-depressants) stimulate neuron production. There are medications that worsen moods: e.g. steroids can cause moods to up or down. It's important to treat those mood swings, either with talk therapy, medication, or a combination of the two.

Dr. Howard Weiner: Optic neuritis is vision loss due to inflammation of the optic nerve. Can be seen in the retina, therefore inflammation is happening where there's no myelin. This may show that MS attacks substances in the brain other than myelin. We are researching a biomarker to determine whether people with optic neuritis will go on to have MS within the next year.

Dr. Waubant: In the months before becoming pregnant, you should stop taking MS medication. In children after age 11 or 12, symptoms are the same as in adults. In younger children, there are other symptoms, including difficulty thinking, drowsiness, and milder symptoms that are often ignored.

MS survivors: Several have used homeopathic doctors to treat the symptoms of MS. Restrictive diets and visual healing have also helped. It is proven that a low fat diet is an anti-inflammatory diet. Fish oil has anti-inflammatory effects. Currently, they are initiating trial of a vegetarian diet as a way of treating MS. De-stressing your life is the best thing you can do.

Nerves are activated through excercise. You need to protect and use your nerves. Even people who have difficulty walking. Excercise causes neurogenesis and is an anti-depressant. It is crucial to keep your wiring active and excercise is good for your brain.

Symptoms of lime disease and MS seem similar. Are they connected?
They are not related. There is no direct connection. But it should be ruled out during diagnosis, because it can imitate MS.

Sometimes, there is a connection between MS and other auto-immune diseases. Psoriasis and thyroid disease can track with MS. Children of people with MS have an extremely low risk of getting the disease.

The earlier the treatment of MS the better. When you're stable, you should have an MRI once a year. When you're changing medication, you should have an MRI once every 3-6 months.

Of all the medication out there, there is a drug for rheumatoid arthritis that can trigger MS. No other drugs have been shown to trigger MS.

Posted by cj at 04:28 PM | Comments (0)

January 23, 2009

The Precipice of Change

Yeah, it's a time of political change and tepid hope for a magical lifting of the recession we reaped from our rapacious appetite for resources. I haven't thought too deeply about our times as an individual, because I was too focused on getting WILPF's priorities edited and published and advertised [e-newsletter not currently available online]. Right, so enough of that.

The precipice I'm most interested in is extremely personal. In November, 2006 I found a career that keeps me interested in going to work every day. In December, 2006 I began battling thyroid cancer. I've been relatively healthy for over a year, but right now, in the next month, is when I'm actually going to begin my post-thyca life.

By moving out of the Valley, I'll return to the life I knew before cancer: independent and full of possibility. I've put a major restriction on my apartment hunting by focusing on locations that will accept dogs. I've been yearning for a lap dog since that awful day I was sitting in my cubicle and got the call that confirmed I had papillary carcinoma. There are other companions I'd like to have on this journey, but I can't hold my breath waiting for those pieces of the puzzle to fall in place.

Time to focus on finding my next home.

Posted by cj at 10:00 PM | Comments (0)

November 02, 2008

The Over-Examined Life

Sometimes, it's dangerous to get lost in thoughts. If you examine every decision that got you from point x to today, you can get lost in the labyrinth of your past life.

I saw a picture on Facebook that started me on this dangerous path. It was a passel of Wellesley woman at a wedding. The crew were my first semester first year dorm mates. It jarred me to realize how divergent my path was from their experiences.

Which got me wondering what people I knew in the past are doing now and how they'd react to my current reality. I suppose I'm not alone in drifting apart from people over the years. Social networking sites makes it seem so easy to bridge the chasm of time. But what about those people who slammed the door when they left? Or who are beyond the reach of human outreach?

I know loss is one of the things we adults learn to live with. I know the best way to push open the doors to the future is to accept the finality of the past.

Still, I wish I had faith in something beyond this life. I know my lingering feelings about being a bad protector are irrational. Ultimately, we all make our own decisions and are the masters of our own fates.

At the end of the day, my mind is firmly set in the Now with an eye on the Future. So, I'll stop navel-gazing and start planning for tomorrow.

Posted by cj at 08:24 PM | Comments (0)

May 24, 2008

WILPF: My New Dating Litmus Test

Someone asked to see my writing on peace and I pointed him to the WILPF website. His response was "yikes, do you believe that stuff about Gaza?" To which I responded "you've stumbled on the reason I don't look for a mate on JDate. The short answer is yes, and given your response, have a nice day." [ended chat session and closed dating site]

I'm always amused when I poke my head out of the sand and remember that the majority of the world doesn't understand, let alone share my beliefs. I think it's better when I stick to shopping and watching the black box: mindless entertainment knows no political boundaries.

Posted by cj at 01:12 PM | Comments (0)

May 04, 2008

Finding the Center of a Dream

I went to the LA Times Book Fair last weekend and heard Maxine Hong Kingston speak. Among other things, she spoke about the need to listen to your dreams. To all of your dreams: from day dreams to fantasies to night-time slumber. Though I have very strong ideas, I tend to be an extremely suggestible individual. So I promptly went home and dreamed about someone who hasn't been in my life for three years.

I woke up wondering what it meant. Thinking about him no longer creates instant longing. Having him invade my sleeping space did make me curious about what he's up to, but not in a "must track him down and convince him to get back together with me" kind of way. I thought about it further and decided that his presence was the only way for my subconscious to remind me that I need to focus on my love life.

Perhaps I should back up and explain my tumultuous few weeks - I was contacted by two separate agencies in the last month and set up interviews for positions. I wasn't actually looking for a job, in fact I thought I was too busy with WILPF to even consider a switch. But since these opportunities came knocking, I couldn't close the door without seeing what was on the other side. During my interview with the second opening, I was offered the job. Flat out. And I said yes. And for the next week, I couldn't sleep. I was petrified that I made the wrong decision. It's a title bump and pay raise, yet I still felt like I was abandoning my employer and, somewhat more importantly, my clients. I knew that regardless of my title, my clients depended on my strategic thinking and ability to get projects created on time and within their preferences. Eventually, reality sank in, the offer was official, and I had to give notice.

The ease with which my boss accepted my resignation was the exact opposite of the anxiety that preceeded it. I'm half-way through my two weeks notice, and I've finally realized that I don't have to take everything so personally. My output has not diminished in quality simply because I don't consider every little decision as a reflection on my core being. In fact, realizing that sometimes junk mail is just junk mail allows me to leave at the end of the day without worrying about all the things I left until Monday to do. I grant you that giving notice was the impetus for the attitude change, but I truly believe that a more balanced approach is what everyone needs to create mental balance between work and personal space.

So back to that dream - see, I recently leased a new car and this new job allows me to feel more comfortable making the payments. I'm even thinking about buying a condo or a bungalow. ME! The woman who insisted she wouldn't buy property without a partner! Finally realizing that the combo of a tax break and an asset might be a reason to give up cramped living quarters.

The final support mechanism missing from my life is a companion. I'm healthy and happy and though I still lack a recognizable amount of free time, I am officially making myself open to finding the center of this dream.

I found paradise and it's the City of Angels. Nothing is perfect in my paradise, but there is path to the solution to every question. Though I've been bruised along the way, and some people dear to me did not live to see this day, it has finally come. Years of seeking have brought me to myself and I am ready to share this amazing existence with someone else. That is the center I seek for this dream I never intend to wake up from.

Posted by cj at 12:41 AM | Comments (0)

April 06, 2008

adventures in feminity

About a month ago, I decided to get acrylics in anticipation of my 30th birthday celebration in Vegas. For someone who has a difficult time maintaining an orderly abode, I have a peculiar obsession with finding a suitable manicurist for the plastic on my fingers. First I went to a crappy salon in Long Beach that put on the acrylics in a slap dash manner, leaving me to wonder how much crud could possibly grow between my nail bed and the plastic. Then, encouraged by a friend, I spent far too much money to have them filled at the spa in the Planet Hollywood hotel. That was the best manicure so far in this round of acrylic adventures, but since I live in LA and can't afford to spend half my salary on this endeavor, I had my second fill at the salon in the mall that my mother frequents. Alas, I did not follow her advice entirely; instead of waiting for her manicurist, I took the first available who decided that Watching Soap Operas Was Just As Important as Doing My Nails. So, now they are uneven and without curves. Alas, I am afraid I must return to an overpriced salon to get the type of manicure that will appease my exacting eye.

Which makes me wonder. Really? Is this what my life has turned into? Distracting myself from the e-newsletter I should be editing by spending time getting my (new) car washed and my nails painted? I suppose a 5 year illegal occupation on top of decades of noncompliance with international norms can cause many to despair of ever creating real change in this country. Me, I've learned to temper my activism with some good ol' fashioned materialism. The combination allows me to sleep well at night, albeit alone.

Posted by cj at 11:10 PM | Comments (0)

April 04, 2008

doh! that sig line

Have you ever hit send on an email and wish you could reel it back in?

I keep forgetting about my sig line and how it's not exactly written in a professional manner. I enjoy the catch phrases I wrote about my blogs and my organization, but I'm not sure the world needs to know about my online persona. Then again, I suppose if you Google my name you find my entire online history, including my Serpentine Dancing Queen nickname, so I better stop caring. If a work contact can't handle the fact that WILPF has been railing against the military industrial complex since WWI, or that I write about politics from a feminist, activist perspective; or that I consider this blog cotton candy for the brain, so be it.

That's what I'll keep telling myself until I can fall asleep tonight.

Posted by cj at 12:10 AM | Comments (0)

March 31, 2008

the facebook game

2 things are amusing me these days:

1) getting friend requests from people whose names vaguely ring a bell, but you can't really place them.
2) being asked what I've been up to since graduating college eight years ago.

Let's see, where to begin? I always try to lighten the mood with the "traveled the country as a labor union organizer" line before diving into "and now I'm a cancer survivor!" Of course, then I have to add the caveat: and "it had nothing to do with my former life as a smoker," since one of the primary things I was known for in college was puffin on cancer sticks.

Maybe it's because facebook has better tools for finding people you forgot you knew - like the "you probably know these people" feature in the sidebar. Of all the networking sites I've been on, more people have crawled out of the woodwork on facebook than on any other app. Still highly unclear why the site makes a million dollars a week in ad sales...

good times. If you know a way to make my 90% vocal scores in Rock Band translate into a r/l social life, drop me a line: socialupheaval(at)gmail(dot)com

Posted by cj at 10:28 PM | Comments (0)

March 30, 2008

All the other parts of Vegas

So my fabulous college friends, Tanyka and Hyoun and his girlfriend Lynne met me in Vegas for my 30th during Easter weekend. I don't remember the last time I indulged in that much shopping, relaxing, eating, drinking, and dancing. It was truly a magical experience and I am so grateful to my friends for reminding me what it means to celebrate life. In addition to eating a Aureole, we spent a day at the spa in Planet Hollywood (go to any other spa than this one: overpriced with skimpy bathrobes and no makeup remover), ate at Koi, watched Spamalot (don't go if you get angry about "funny" Jew-baiting), danced at Jet, Tao, and the scuzziest night club ever created, Body English, participated in a rousing Gospel Brunch at The House of Blues, and had the worst meal ever (except it included amazing company so that sorta made up for the terrible service and cold food) at P.F. Chang's.

It was amazing - we had a great time up until about 9 p.m. on Sunday. Still, better to over-do having fun than leave wishing you'd done more. Now to figure out a way to bring the fun into my regularly scheduled life.

Posted by cj at 08:22 PM | Comments (0)

February 02, 2008

Car Lust

I've never owned a new car. I've never owned a car I chose to buy. While I appreciate my big grey whale, and have enjoyed several cross-country trips hauling all my worldly possessions in it, I think it's time to move on. I'm excited about having the time to research cars and make a decision about what to buy, rather than having an emergency force me to get something right away.

I'm intrigued that my coworkers think used cars are the way to go. You can get the type of car you want at a good deal by going this route. Though, as a female with zero ability to gauge the honesty of repairmen, I'm wary of leaving myself open to abuse. Trust me, I've sunk enough extra money into my Mercury Grand Marquis to buy a used Honda over the 5.5 years I've been driving it.

The other interesting thing about my male coworker's discussion of cars is that no one seems primarily concerned with color choice. I mean, people are willing to take a deal (particularly on used cars) rather than wait for the color combo that looks perfect. This may be a chick thing, maybe I'm just childish, but once I make a decision on the make/model of the car the most important decision to me is exterior and interior color. This is a helluva lot more important than all the extra doodads (particularly the dumbass guy lust for cool rims) you could put on a car.

As a chick, I can't help but be surrounded by mothers. From my own mom's decision to drive a Toyota mini-van, to my sister's mini-SUV, all around me women are making choices based on hauling their own kids or kids they're related to. And to declare my own independence from such accessories, I'm determined to get a sexy, lil car to replace my whale.

Right now, my eye is on the Nissan Z Coupe Touring in black with Burnt Orange Leather interior or the Audi TT Coupe 2.0 TFSI w Premium Package in Brilliant Black with Fine Nappa Leather in Luxor Beige interior. The Z's estimated price is $34,075 whereas the TT's estimated price is $38,050.

Seems a good thing that this new fangled internet allows one to lust after material possessions without having to deal with salesmen, since both are beyond my budget at the present time.

Random research note - supposedly the trade-in value of my whale is $3,400. Though my coworker tells me it'd be easy to sell it in the Latino community, where the model is highly valued.

...maybe I'll go test drive some cars today. Looks like a good day to play...

Posted by cj at 11:56 AM | Comments (0)

December 25, 2007

Another year coming to an end...

I'm back from Chicago. It was a difficult visit. There's a lot of questions lingering, but in the end all I can do is hope that Katie is at peace. I'm trying to not dwell on things I should've done and concentrate on the friendship we shared.

Went to Cafe Matou, which seems appropriate since I stayed in Maison Matou. I am grateful to Kelvin for putting up with my moodiness and providing a futon for me to sleep on. I was clearly difficult and distracted company, to say the least.

As this year comes to an end, I'm reminded of all the people I've lost touch with over the years. Since mortality is a lesson I've learned several times this year, I am making a concerted effort to rekindle friendships, enjoy each day, and make time for joy. Though my shock and grief at Katie's passing cannot be cast off like yesterday's clothes, I know I need to move forward and live each day to its fullest.

Since my writing is being drowned by trite cliches, I'll end here. Please consider sharing your year end thoughts with me, either in the comments section or via email: socialupheaval (at) gmail.com.

Posted by cj at 10:02 AM | Comments (0)

December 14, 2007

In loving memory, Katie Cerullo

A shining literary light has gone dark far before her time. Katie was a brilliant playwright, extraordinary observer of life, and hopeless romantic. She was one of my closest friends and I still cannot believe she is gone.

Katie and I met at Wellesley and rekindled our friendship during my sojourn in Chicago. Her friendship was unwavering and all-encompassing. She was very concerned about my cancer treatment - she even sent a radiation care package, which in my hypo-state I could not find until after I returned from the hospital.

Katie was the first gourmet cook in my life and she conjured up the grandest meals I ate during college (forget the all-you-can-eat food plan, her meals were worth a thousand Sunday sundaes.) Her lust for life included a taste for the more down-to-earth culinary delights, from McDonald's Big Macs (hold the vegetables) to fried food on a stick at the Woodstock County Fair.

We both experienced profound love and heart break, which probably made us appear off kilter to the rest of the world. We were moving forward in our lives, not exactly on the same trajectory as Wendy Wellesley, but in our own ways making an impact on the world.

I am devastated by this loss. My heart goes out to her family and her "babies" - Luke & Pepper, her beloved dogs. I will be in Chicago next weekend to attend a memorial for her.

Posted by cj at 09:47 PM | Comments (0)

November 17, 2007

In loving memory, Elsie Goldie Rubenstein Minster

Elsie Goldie Rubenstein was born in Chicago, Illinois on December 24, 1914. A child of the Depression, her life was vastly different than the current "Have Everything Now" milieu.

Her mother passed away when Elsie was 9. To help care for Elsie and her siblings, Cherrie and Label, her aunt, uncle, and cousin moved in. At thirteen, Elsie dropped out of school and went to work to help support the family. When her father died, she took time off for the traditional mourning period. Her employer fired her, primarily because they found out she was Jewish.

As a teenager, Elsie became an impressive dancer. It was the cheapest entertainment around, and provided her with a lot of happiness throughout her life. A chance meeting on a bus led her to meet the love of her life, Sam Minster.

Sam and Elsie married with the Depression still raging. Their first son, Sheldon, was born in 1935. Five years later, Marshall Ned was born. Nine years later, Martha Maxine was born.

Sam's 8 brothers and sisters started moving out to Los Angeles. When his mother moved West, Sam announced that he was following her to LA. Elsie was devastated and tried to convince Sam to stay in Chicago, where Elsie's brother and sister still lived. Eventually, the headstrong Elsie acquiesed to the equally stubborn Sam and the Minster clan moved out of Chicago's ethnically-divided West Side to LA.

Elsie helped run Minster Baths on Melrose, in addition to raising her children and managing the household finances. Her real estate investment decisions were notoriously ill-fated (who knew city real estate would rise so much in value?), but her passion for family could never be equaled.

Elsie never minced words: what was in her head came out her mouth, with no filter. Once, she was in line at a supermarket behind an odiferous burly man. She loudly proclaimed that he stunk. He turned and explained that he had just gotten off of work at a construction job. She told him that was no excuse, he should shower before going out in public. The conversation went on for several minutes, with Elsie explaining the finer points of deodorant use.

She was equally no-nonsense with her family. Sometimes, this strained relationships. Most of the time, we accepted her for who she was: her world view was narrowed and prejudiced by her life experiences; but, her passion for her family was never questioned. She was a true matriarch: one foot firmly planted in another era, the other foot providing support to her 21st century family.

The Yiddish word for mother-in-law is shvigger. An illustrated dictionary will show an older woman with a sour face. That could never describe Elsie. She welcomed everyone into her family with open arms, respecting people's privacy when they requested the space, but always available when needed. She made gifilte fish by hand for Passover - combining several types of white fish into the traditional, strange but tasty delicacy eaten with horseradish. Her tsmisses was equally well received - a combination of roasted meat, potatoes, and carrots that was simply delicious.

Her laugh was her calling card. She was born with an old lady's cackle. If you didn't know her, you might not understand the reason for the ruckus at the dinner table next to you at a supper club. Some found her ability for laughter uncouth; her family recognized it as a pure joy. And her granddaughters proudly carry on the cackling tradition.

Elsie lived alone after her husband's death for her remaining four decades. She was alone in her apartment 8 years ago when she suffered a stroke that paralyzed her left side. Though she lived in a nursing home for the remainder of her life, her wit never failed her. She remained cognizant through her last weeks of life.

Elsie passed on Thursday, November 15 with her eldest grandchild at her side. She is survived by Sheldon & Linda Minster, their children Ken & Valerie, Sam & Lisa and grandchildren Lauren & Shane; Marshall & Phyllis Minster, their children Scott, Elizabeth & Ziv Haims, and Cynthia and grandchildren Jacob, Zachary, and Isaac; and Maxine & Paul Brooks, their children Jason and Jocelyn & Dom McCarthy.

May she rest in peace.

Posted by cj at 04:54 PM | Comments (0)

October 09, 2007

I promise myself I'll post more...

Sigh. There have been a lot of things to blog about recently. Did you see the LAT article on women's rights in Iraq?

Anyway, the world turns, I work late, and I don't have the energy to do laundry, nevermind that blogging thing.

One day, I'll be better. In the meantime, if you know me, send me an email.

Posted by cj at 10:38 PM | Comments (0)

September 11, 2007

L'Shanah Tovah

The Jewish New Year is almost here. It's a time for Jews to reflect on the past year, ask forgiveness from those whom they transgressed, and seek forgiveness from G'd. It's also the time when "G'd inscribes names in the Book of Life."

I wonder sometimes, where exactly was my name in last year's book? Was it under the "well, she's not so bad so we wont kill her, but might as well give her cancer" column? As I struggle to gain control over my metabolism (now regulated by a little pill), it's easy for me to use this as an excuse to move even further away from organized religion.

I don't think there's an anthropomorphic G'd in heaven who will decide in the next 10 days whether I live or die. I am grateful for the time to reflect on my life and my spiritual path, but as in past years, I will find it hard to fully concentrate in a temple full of zealots who believe Israel makes us safer and the war on terror is a good thing. I fundamentally do not believe in religious political states - does that make me incapable of being a good Jew?

I dunno. But at least I'll be able to spend some time with my grandma.

Posted by cj at 11:04 PM | Comments (0)

September 09, 2007

How Much Do You Share with the World?

People often tell me that I am too open - it's too easy to know a lot about me. I find this amusing, because there are so many layers to my mind that even knowing the full time line of my life wont tell you everything about me. Still, I find it a bit awkward that I've been so open on the web. When I meet new people, it's extremely easy for them to pull up a ton of info about me, supplied by me, by simply googling my name.

And what does that mean? For the most part, nothing that I can't handle. But people keep telling me that no one needs to know about my health when they first meet me, so then I freak out - jesus, why did I write so much about it on this blog? Will I scare away potential mates before even meeting them?

Ultimately, if you can't handle the details of my life, you're not going to be interested in me. But I guess my life is more intense than most people my age - I'm actively engaged in issue advocacy work, plus I have a corporate job, plus I'm a cancer survivor. I just have to trust that the right guy wont be intimidated by my strength.

Posted by cj at 09:14 AM | Comments (0)

August 25, 2007

those saturday nights...

Well, I've finally done it. I've finally gotten past all the drama that's plagued me for the last two years. I'm finally able to have conversations about myself without mentioning my missing thyroid (did you know the first time the LA mayor stepped out on his wife was when she was dealing with thyroid cancer?!?)...and um, well, there's no where to go. It's not like Chicago where you can walk down the street from your flat and be drinkin. The watering holes here are few and far between.

Apparently, I'm not the only one alone tonight. Although the more I read posts like this, the more I rationalize the company of Netflix. I'm not a prude, I'm just adult enough to realize that subtlety is more interesting than random one night stands. Then again, this post is a million times worse.

Sigh....one of these days I'm actually going to break free of this damn Valley.

Posted by cj at 08:07 PM | Comments (0)

July 02, 2007

i am...

I am a "charismatic presence." My friends wrote it on their wedding thank you card, so it must be true.

The phrase makes me laugh a little. It sounds pompous coming from me, but so amusing coming from people who signed the card with their URL.

Posted by cj at 10:03 PM | Comments (0)

June 15, 2007

Why Home Isolation Can Be Dangerous...

1. Access to the internet while hypo leads to increased spending.
2. Getting sentimental over your friends' weddings...
a. missing all the friends you haven't seen since the last wedding
b. deciding that $2.50 a photo isn't a huge price to pay for a picture of yourself dancing
c. justifying buying multiple photos of yourself dancing with "it's the last time I'll ever wear that dress"

I actually bought several black & white photos. The color ones tended to be on the scary side / include people I don't need pictures of. There's one photo that's really scary - I'm dancing and giving my friend the craziest look. Problem is, you can't see my friend; you can only see two little boys who were standing near me and my anonymous bridesmaid friend. Needless to say, I did not buy the photo of myself looking like a crazy woman near little kids. I'm glad the pics will fit into the 4x6 frames I bought at Target. Now to get some prints of the nephews...

Posted by cj at 08:57 AM | Comments (0)

June 11, 2007

Tomorrow I Become Spider Man

Tomorrow afternoon I will swallow a radioactive pill.

Remember, it was a bite from a radioactive spider that gave Spider Man his ability to climb walls.

And with any luck, my normal energy level will return in a few weeks time. It better - I have an international peace Congress to get ready for. Viva Boliva!

Posted by cj at 09:49 PM | Comments (0)

June 03, 2007

Back Online!

This blog experienced technical difficulties over the last several days - you might have noticed. I believe my anonymous host was doing an upgrade to the server. The public blog came back before my ability to post did. I saw some (old) movies over the weekend that I want to comment on, but right now I'd like to try to get to sleep.

Saw Ebert & Roeper tonight and was very sad - the show really isn't that good without Ebert. I wish him a speedy recovery.

Posted by cj at 10:54 PM | Comments (0)

May 20, 2007

Loud Voices Falling Silent

It's interesting to spend a weekend alone with your thoughts. They rush in very loudly and try to spew out through your fingertips. But the cold wind of tomorrow's reality can stop them from every reaching the printed page - or blogosphere.

I hit on a guy at a bar Friday night. Nothing unusual about that, except that it's been a long time since I've engaged in casual banter. Since he rejected me, I wonder what reaction I would've got from proclaiming my disease in that random convo. Which led me to wondering about first dates and whether me, the open book, is capable of keeping up the banter for several dates before handing a stranger this completely incomprehensible bit of information.

But the truth is, most people have read my blogs before they agree to meet me. So whether the uptight member of the tribe thinks I'm a heretic for my conviction that Israel must end its occupation of Palestine for Jews to be truly free and to have a chance at peace, or whether its the scary C word, one way or another I'm a bit too much baggage for one person to handle.

And then I started thinking, what would I want my first impression to be? Clearly me on a good hair day (this whole not washing my hair everyday to preserve the red color is getting annoying), and me not dressed like a schlub. I don't think I'd want my first impression on a dance floor - men aren't that into me when I'm dancing. And maybe I don't want the first thing they know about me to be my profession, since I'm not so good at defending the art of junk mail (the process is a beautiful origami, and the wasted paper and ink is justified in the capital return on investment; but I can't really wax poetic on that). Maybe I do want to be known as a peace activist, even though I'm scared it'll turn every eligible bachelor away; maybe I do want to be known as a writer / blogger, even though this blog has spiraled into a chronicle of my thyroid-cancer induced navel gazing. All I know is that I don't want pity and I want to be taken seriously, but not too seriously.

I can't wait for July when my metabolism is closer to normal and my hypothetical dating life has a chance of becoming reality.

I thought about other things this weekend, but the things of consequence haven't changed. I did manage to find another over-priced, under-qualified nail salon. And I'm beginning to wonder how much longer I can justify the expense of acrylic nails.

Posted by cj at 09:59 PM | Comments (0)

April 27, 2007

Approaching 30

The older I get, the harder it is to remember my age. I know this sounds ridiculous, but every time I have to write it down on an official form, I do a double-take. Is that really me? When did I get that old? What exactly did I do with all that time between turning 21 and now?

Yesterday, I performed my civic duty - I went to jury duty. Writing down 29, I had to remind myself that yes, a month ago I did in fact celebrate my 29th birthday. Where did that time go?

I've stood still for the last 1.5 years. Outwardly, things have changed: I quit a dead-end job, I moved back to Cali, I started a fascinating career doing something I never dreamed would make me happy, etc. But inwardly, I stopped.

October, 2005, while breaking my heart in slow motion, you wondered how you would be portrayed in a chapter of my memoir. Instead of writing it down and letting it go, I chose to stop - clinging to memories of ecstasy, rather than moving willfully towards future happiness.

Cancer has done strange things to me - it has slowed me down physically, but sped me up mentally. Waking up early one day causes me to be completely decimated the next. But none of these changes have exorcised you. Tonight, I begin the process of removing you from the present tense of my emotional life.

I've lived all this time afraid that each person only gets one soulmate and that my fate was to live out my days pining for a soulmate lost to the excitement & freedom of individuality. I can't pretend to be as romantic or emotionally open as I was as a young woman. But I can choose to stop believing I'm stuck on a dead-end street.

I choose the open road. I don't know where it's headed and I can't see over the next ridge to know what options are in my future. With one foot in front of the other, I will be me again. The complete me: full of love, eager to dance, enjoying fine wine, good food, and better company. I will not hide in my activism or my paid work.

Eleven years ago, I sat in this room cursing the walls that closed me in. I travelled far and wide to understand the basic truth: happiness lies within and does not depend on physical surroundings. I still wish my fam lived in Chicago or Boston, but they're here; so I'm here. And it's a great place to be.

Posted by cj at 08:33 PM | Comments (0)

March 21, 2007

Settling into Valley Life

I've lived in a lot of places. I done a lot of things. At the present time, fitting myself into the box of my life seems to be the hardest thing I've done.

It's odd. I enjoy the disparate parts of my life. There's just so much more I'm looking forward to. And so much that freaks me out about the future.

Oh well. At least my expectations are all manageable. Hopefully, my birthday wish will come true. Note to self: don't allow coworkers to pick the place for your "birthday" lunch. (My actual bday is Friday, fyi.)

I'm trying to imagine the next year, and its hard to do. I couldn't have imagined my last year. The greatest thing I can say is that I've learned who I can truly trust. And I've learned to start letting go of the past. I look forward to the future.

Posted by cj at 09:48 PM | Comments (0)

February 02, 2007

Surgery in Six Hours

I go to the hospital in four hours.
My neck will be cut open in six hours.
I will lose my thyroid and a nerve to my vocal box sometime after that.

So, in the near future I will no longer be able to sing high notes.

Farewell, C.J. the soprano.

The following snippets from a song I wrote a long time ago about a different situation explain how I'm feeling right now:

I am all alone in this world.
I am all alone.
I reach out to you, but you turn away.

Don't worry - if you're reading this, chances are, you're not the person who hurt me. At least I'm now fully ready to move on with a healthy, thyroid-free life.

Posted by cj at 02:08 AM | Comments (0)

January 28, 2007

Life of a Cancer Patient...

Okay, that title is a bit melodramatic. It's been my refrain this whole weekend. In some ways, that's worked out rather well for me: my folks graciously let me hold Isaac most of the time he was here this afternoon. In some ways, that has been stupid: I bought three pairs of shoes at Bloomingdale's on Saturday. In the moment, I got a rush from the great bargains. But now I have buyer's remorse - the thigh high boots are made of man made material (not leather) and the Cole Haan pumps will probably cause blisters because there isn't enough padding to protect my feet from the decorative grommets near the toes.

In any event, I'm excited that my mom is making me two new scarves to help me cover up the scar that will be left on my neck. Plus, soft scarves are like mini-security blankets.

I can't tell you how long the surgery will be. I'll be under full anesthesia. And I have to be at the hospital at 7 a.m. That's if I get my insurance straightened out - it's a frickin mess. I got a form letter stating that my work health insurance (Blue Cross of California) wont cover pre-existing conditions until May 1. This counters the verbal advice I received from HR - that pre-existing conditions would be covered as long as I've had six months of continuous coverage prior to the start of the work plan. And then there's the $1.27 that Ceridian thinks I owe them for my January Cobra coverage. (The bill they sent me was $1.27 lower than the price they now claim for this month.) I sent in a check for two bucks on Friday and hopefully all of this will be sorted out before Friday. If not, I'll have to reschedule the surgery.

In reality, this is just a small part of what's on my mind. Perhaps I'm focusing on other things as a defense mechanism. I don't really want to think about myself as a cancer patient. I'm still trying to figure out why most of my friends haven't responded to any of my emails.

Reflecting on Life
My friend Chris was the first to tell me that cancer would change my life in a positive way. I scoffed at first, but I am trying to live up to the uniqueness of this moment in my life. Here's what I've observed so far:

Most people don't understand the connection between my paid work and my passions. They think I wont be happy until I quit my job. I think this is rather ridiculous. Further, it pisses me off that people aren't happy for me - I enjoy my job. I'm damn good at it. And I'm learning a lot. I'm learning the most effective ways to do direct marketing, I'm learning how to work on a schedule and get others to work with you, and I'm learning how to interface with the people who pay for your work. All of these things can be easily translated into nonprofit direct marketing. As importantly, I am respected by my coworkers and supervisors and I am finally on a career track. I'm not saying I'll do this work for the rest of my life, but it feels good to be able to pay my bills and see the light at the end of the debt tunnel.

In activism, I am so excited to be part of the Courage Campaign. It feels great to be a part of something that has an immediate impact on the political landscape. It also feels good to have some of my blog posts viewed by lots of people.

WILPF continues to be my activist home, but I'm struggling to keep up with all of my responsibilities. I'm the National Program Chair, a member of the national Steering Committee, chair of the national ad hoc Communications Committee, on the international communications committee, member of the local branch board, and blog administrator. When I was unemployed, I could easily keep up with all of these things. Now that I occasionally work till 7:30, I don't feel like I've been able to do any of these tasks completely. Sadly, even asking for help during my cancer recovery time hasn't brought out any new volunteers for my duties.

And then, of course, there's the fact that I'm living in the San Fernando Valley. Moving home last September was a bit hard. I was scared about having quit my job and fearful that it would take me a long time to find a new job. And going from my own apartment to being a guest in my folks' house wasn't exactly thrilling. But most importantly, it forced me to find closure on my life in Chi-town. Living here, I am no longer constantly reminded of the past. I thought I would find what I was seeking here - I thought the emptiness I felt in Chicago would be filled by my fam and friends at home. Instead, I learned that I must swallow my fear and make myself vulnerable again - I need to put the memories of pain & joy in the past and move forward. This used to be so easy for me. It used to be so easy for me to flit from fling to fling. I guess there's a part of me that wonders if I'll ever find that magical combination of best friend & lover. I guess I'm so clued into what I'm really looking for that I have trouble remembering that dating in and of itself can be exhilarating. Perhaps that'll come once I've recuperated from having an organ cut out of me.

Posted by cj at 08:00 PM | Comments (0)

January 24, 2007

The Miracle of Life: Birth & the Covenant

Last Tuesday, I witnessed a true miracle. I witnessed the birth of my nephew. There is truly nothing in the world that compares with child birth. I now understand why a parent's first identity is as a parent. I now understand why women long for children. Alas, my biological clock started ticking last Tuesday.

Right, so how to better explain the experience? Well, I was a nervous wreck. The first thing I heard, around 11 am while at work, was that the obstetrician said my sister's blood pressure was high and that he was going to induce. My sis and mom went to the hospital and waited to be induced. Around 3:30, I left work. I was on the freeway when my mom called and said Liz was about to be induced and that I might as well go home and wait. Yeah right. I didn't care if I had to wait by myself in the waiting room - I was goin to the hospital. When I got there, I was immediately sent on errands at Liz's house with Mom. It took us over an hour to get from downtown LA to Atwater Village and back again. It was a nerve-wracking experience.

When I finally entered the hospital, around 6 pm, we briefly saw Liz & Ziv and then went to the cafeteria to eat dinner. Went back to the room, and surprisingly, I was allowed to stay. (Apparently, only two people are supposed to be there). We chatted and watched bad t.v., waiting for American Idol to begin (Liz's pick). A short while after it started, Liz asked to have the t.v. turned off - her contractions had gotten worse and she wanted to listen to her Isaac's birth mix on her iPod home stereo. Ziv set it up, but I was in charge of fixing it (b/c he didn't get the play list right). That was nice, because it made me feel useful.

But when Ziv was sent on an errand and I was asked to hold Liz's hand I accidentally ended up squeezing her hands - I was so nervous! I was definitely the second most nervous person in the room (obviously Liz was the most nervous). So I retreated to a chair relatively far away from her bed and read the NY times calendar section front to back. (Apparently, T.S. Eliot was a truly amazing poet; and a died-in-the-wool anti-Semite.)

The contractions got worse and my awe got more profound. At some point, it was explained that I was in the delivery room - that I'd be there when she gave birth. Ziv sang to Liz, massaged her feet, rubbed her temples, kissed her, and held her softly. It was so beautiful and so profound - childbirth for single women must be the most traumatic day of their lives. I can't imagine going through it without the father of the child, the way that Liz & Ziv were together.

Liz asked for some drugs to help her through the pain and it seemed to get better. Then, around 9:30, her doctor came in to check how dilated she was. (Last check was 3 centimeters, 0 station. No one could explain to me how many centimeters equalled fully dilated.) He announced that she was fully dilated and that we were beginning the delivery process. It was odd how we weren't even asked to wash our hands, let alone put masks or anything on.

So, Mom and I moved to the corner and Ziv stayed next to Liz. Mom took control of the still camera and I worked the camcorder. I was worried about not having enough batteries for the birth, so I kept hitting pause. I had no idea how long the labor part would take....I think I ended up with about ten minutes worth of tape. In retrospect, I maybe shouldn't have listened to Mom who kept suggesting that I hit pause. Oh well.

The odd thing was, I couldn't see much. Mostly, I saw Ziv and a tuft of Liz's hair (I was basically standing behind her). And I saw the doctor and the obnoxious nurses. I say obnoxious because they kept yelling "push, push." I know, that's what Liz was supposed to do during the contractions - but did two of them really need to shout like that? And then, one had the nerve to say "good girl." Excuse me?!?! The woman's having a baby and you're callin her a GIRL? Maybe I'm over-reacting; after all, Liz didn't even remember the comment. But I don't think I over-reacted - I think it's ridiculous to say "good girl" to a woman in labor.

And then, it happened. Just as Liz was saying she was done and couldn't push anymore - typical Margolis-Minster female reaction to the miracle of birth - Isaac popped out (upside down). He didn't immediately cry and he was white. White, just like me when I was born (as I'm told). And now I know what I looked like - a bit gross. As Ziv and Liz cried tears of joy, I moved over to the crib and shot film as the obnoxious nurse cleaned him up. Oh my goodness. I saw him and filmed him during his first few minutes of life. Eventually Ziv picked him up and carried him over to Liz. We took some more pictures.

And then, she had me ask the nurse if it was alright to feed him. I know, silly question - but I dutifully went and asked. Of course, the answer was affirmative (as long as Master Haims was amenable).

So, not only did I get to witness Isaac's birth, but I also got to witness his first feeding. I do not understand why anyone would choose to formula feed if it was at all possible to breast feed. The bonding, the health benefits, the nurturing, oy.

Bris: the word that doesn't mean Circumcision
Today was Isaac's bris. His father made a covenant with G'd to accept him as a member of the tribe. Or something like that. I read a poem and was announced as one of his godmothers (along with his grandmas). Sigh.

Perhaps I'm a freak, but I have an intense fascination with every aspect of his life, so I watched the actual circumcision. Gotta say, there was quite a lot of foreskin for such a lil guy. As the moyel said "he has a zaftig schmekel."

The best part of the night was at the end. I had to be polite and not beg to hold him - after all, his paternal grandparents are in town from Miami, and they have first dibs. But then, at the end of the night, I got to wake him up (so he could feed) and then distracted him while his mom and dad changed his diaper. That was the best job of the day - distracting my new love with kisses on his round lil cheeks. And then I held him while everyone said their goodbyes and I carried him down to the car.

Oy vay iz meer. This sudden onset of a biological clock is rather disturbing. I keep trying to remember how I used to feel - how completely nonchalant I was about the entire idea of having a family. Now, my search for a partner is about more than just finding a partner. And yet, I know I can't become one of those crazy, Jewish women who stalk men and start askin about kids on the first date.

I hope I can find someone to share my crazy, roller-coaster life with. Because I'd really like to give Isaac another cousin. :)

Posted by cj at 06:53 PM | Comments (2)

January 16, 2007

Happy Birthday, Isaac!!

Isaac Samuel Haims was born at 10:12 p.m. Pacific time. He is 6 pounds, 13 ounces. 18.5 inches.

I had the privilege and honor to be the "unnecessary" person in the room. I also videotaped the birth and first cries of my youngest nephew. This is one of the best days of my life.

Posted by cj at 11:04 PM | Comments (0)

January 06, 2007

Being a 28 y/o Cancer Patient

Most of the time, I keep my positive face on for the world to see. After all, I don't have some horrible disease that will kill me. For the most part, my thyroid doesn't even bother me. Sure, I have to be careful not to drink too fast or eat too fast (because it gets stuck in my throat), but that's because I have a goiter (enlarged thyroid), not because of the cancer.

Some people think I caused the cancer. Oh, sure, that's not exactly how they say it; but when someone asks you if your smoking caused the cancer that's what's really behind the question. I haven't asked an endocrinologist, but so far my research shows no connection between smoking and thyroid cancer, in case you were wondering. And yes, I quit smoking. Sorta. It's not like your desire to smoke suddenly disappears. Smoking is a great stress relief - that's the reason I started smoking. And when I heard the news, I really just wanted to smoke, Instead, I drank Syrah and ate chocolate.

It's great that people are sending me positive greetings over email. It touched me so much to have an activist friend in Lebanon say she checked with a doctor and he confirmed what I said about thyroid cancer being 100% curable. Amazing the power of the net and WILPF. Of course, that cuts both ways - I wonder if my friends who haven't responded are too freaked to reply to my email, or if it got caught in their spam filter because I bcc'd everyone.

But in the end, the big take away from this experience is how singular each individual person is. I dunno, maybe I'm too dramatic about this, but at the end of the day the only one there is me. Perhaps that's why I want a dog - it would feel good to have someone who depends on me and whom I can depend on.

I'm looking forward to my life after cancer. I know it wont be completely easy - after all, I'll have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life. And it's not like birth control or allergy medicine, it's sorta imperative to take it everyday and not forget. But that's okay. I kinda doubt I'll forget that I lost an organ and need to replace it with a pill. It's just ironic, because my daily aches and pains have nothing to do with my thyroid. My hips hurt, my hands hurt, my neck hurts but none of those things are big news. Only a 2 cm nodule in my neck is causing mass concern about my health. The world turns in mysterious ways...

Posted by cj at 11:47 AM | Comments (0)

January 02, 2007

A Few Pics from My Sister's Wedding

Here are just a few of the 400+ pictures takin at my Big Sis & Big Bro's wedding on Sunday, December 17, 2007.

Mr. & Mrs. Ziv Chaims

Me Touchin Up Liz's Makeup

The Siblings: C.J., Liz, Scott

The Minster Fam

The Nephews: Jake, Liz, Zach

Minster Women: Grandma Elsie, Aunt Linda, Mom, Liz, C.J., Jocelyn, Shantel

The Veil Ceremony

Ziv's Amazing Vows

Me Blubbering at the Ceremony

Chaims Hands

The Kiss with Scott's reaction

The Chaims Fam

Posted by cj at 10:31 PM | Comments (0)

Sheila and Max, sittin in a tree...

My friends Sheila and Max are gettin married. They're just too damn cute. They're both in medical residency programs and still had time to put this website together. They put us all to shame. I really like the pic at the top of the page. It epitomizes their saccharine sweetness (in a good way).

Posted by cj at 09:54 PM | Comments (0)

December 22, 2006

Merry Christmas! You (might) Have Cancer!

Good thing I'm Jewish. Otherwise, my holiday season would really suck.

This post, by the way, is an anomaly. I don't plan to document my medical travails in the public eye. (Trust me, I've been through a lot since I started blogging and never bothered to blab about it here.) No one's even sure I have cancer. But it's highly probable that I have thyroid cancer. Just the news you want to hear a few weeks after starting a new job.

So here's the deal - last summer in Chicago, I was complaining about problems in my leg (numbness, sensations of heat, difficulty walking). My doc ordered a few MRI's to rule out MS. Those showed an enlarged thyroid, which sent me to an endocrinologist. She ordered a fine needle aspiration (FNA, aka biopsy). Never really got the results. A month later I called from LA and got some gobbleygook. My doc here sent me to an endocrinologist who decided to do another FNA - this time of both nodules. The nodule that wasn't checked in Chicago is highly probably for papillary carcinoma, the most common (and least metastasizing type) of thyroid cancer.

The upside is that 95% of people live 10 years following a diagnosis of papillary carcinoma. The downside, I might lose my singing voice. Oh, and I'll be on medication for the rest of my life and a bunch of other crap. That's if the second opinion agrees that I need to have my thyroid removed.

Merry Xmas.

It's times like this that I wish I had spent more time cultivating a social circle and less time on political activism...

Posted by cj at 06:49 PM | Comments (2)

December 02, 2006

Working Girl

At the beginning of the week, I got a part-time job digitizing video for The Social Uplift Foundation. In the middle of the week, I got a full-time job at an ad agency.

I also got a volunteer gig this week, blogging for the Courage Campaign.

Needless to say, I slept for twelve hours last night.

I'm still curious who is reading this sporadically written blog, so feel free to drop a comment and come out of the anonymity closet.

Posted by cj at 01:34 PM | Comments (0)

November 23, 2006

Reflections and Deep Appreciation

Mass culture tells me that most Americans begin their Thanksgiving dinners with a round robin of giving thanks. My family has never done that. We also don't say grace (which sounds vaguely goyish to my mind) or bracha's before or after the meal. I asked the fam why this was and my mom explained that we're ravenous savages (which is true - we started eating before all of the dishes were on the table). So, here in no particular order are some reflections on what I most appreciate this Thanksgiving -

1. My family, especially my 'rents. Without them, I would not have been able to quit my job in Chicago and return home to Los Angeles to bask in the glow of my sister's pregnancy. Having spent so much of my adult life away from my family, I truly appreciate this time with them. I only wish we could have shared the day with my brother and my nephews.

2. My extended family. From my sister's fiancee to my sister-in-law-despite-divorce to my cousins to my aunts, uncles and almost 92-year-old grandma, I am truly blessed.

3. Health.

4. Women's International League for Peace and Freedom and my large network of WILPF sisters.

5. Friends - especially my Wellesley sisters. Seeing most of them together in Atlanta this year was truly a highlight of my post-grad experience. I am truly blessed to have friends all over the country and world.

6. The glimmer of hope in the world - the force of people working globally to take back the levers of power from the forces that drive us towards war & poverty. Viva Radical Democracy!

7. Netflix.
8. Rhapsody.
9. Books - the ones I'm still reading (Challenging Empire, Taking History to Heart, On Beauty, Zen and the Art of Making a Living) and the ones I've finished (Confessions of an Economic Hit Man, The Kite Runner) and the ones I haven't started (too many to list).
10. Newspapers (the LAT, WSJ, NYT)
11. My anonymous blog host and this outlet for my ravenous writing desires (which have been publicly muted in the past year due to my increasing responsibilities with WILPF).

The word of the day is truly.

Posted by cj at 08:43 PM | Comments (0)

October 29, 2006

180 New Messages & A Weekend 10 Years in the Making

Dude. I'm exhausted. This weekend rocked. Started Thursday morning with my flight to Atlanta on AirTrans to meet up with a good friend, her fiancee, and the first time our crew was all together in six years. Six long years. We tried to behave; mostly we failed. It was the best party I've been to in years. I can't wait for the next Swellesley wedding in May.

And I had 180 new email messages when I got home. Note to self: take computer on next four-day jaunt. Although, I think half the email is about my next trip. Austin wont be as excited as Atlanta, but really how can a working weekend compete with a four day party? That's okay - in addition to confirming how great my friends are, this weekend confirmed my commitment to WILPF. Because I don't want to just be another person railing against the system; I enjoy being the change I wish to see in the world. And I'm fading fast so I'll stop writing cliches.

Posted by cj at 11:11 PM | Comments (0)

September 05, 2006

Live from Omaha

Doesn't matter how many times I pack and move, I still suck at it. I'm also unclear why expensive household appliances are the things I chuck from my over full car. Oh well. Not like I'm movin into my own flat right off, so I wont need a coffee maker, toaster, or iron anytime soon.

Live from Omaha, Nebraska

I'm hear to tell you that I-80 is a beautiful drive through verdant, lush land. I could've stopped to see the bridges of Madison County, but since I never read the book or saw the movie I was just amused and reminded of a clip on the nightly news about the uptick in tourism surrounding the book / movie.

Posted by cj at 01:00 AM | Comments (0)

August 17, 2006

Fire Sale in Chicago!

Ok, I'm not really sure what a fire sale is; but in case you're in Chicago, check out Craigslist for some dirt cheap furniture and a stereo.

Getting ready for the big move to L.A., so I gotta get rid of everything. Sigh. And it felt so grown up to own furniture.

My beautiful, truly spacesaving kitchen table.

My Sony HiFi Stereo.

Loveseat. Still feel akward calling it my own, even though it was given to me about a year ago.

Armchair

Rolling Cart and End Tables.

Bookshelf

Baker's Rack

Posted by cj at 10:45 PM | Comments (0)

June 29, 2006

Decision Made: Going Back to L.A.

I can't wait to be able to announce the major reason for this decision.

In any event, if you have any job leads in marketing or activism, please drop me a comment!

My lease isn't up till September 30, so I might be here for awhile longer. I'm trying to stay through July because I've got some major plans coming up, including

* supporting WILPF US co-President Chris Morin as she competes in the triathlon on July 16 at the Gay Games

* attending the Symposium on Building a Progressive Majority on July 20.

Posted by cj at 12:22 AM | Comments (0)

June 20, 2006

My New Baby

With much love and thanks to my rents, I am now the proud owner of a Dell XPS M170. Might possibly be the most cutting-edge laptop I'll ever own. Granted, part of me wishes I hadn't followed my sister on the path to a big screen because I think this behemoth weighs more than my old & on-the-verge-of-dying Toshiba Satellite...but I know I'll get over it. (I originally wanted to the lighter, smaller in all respects version, the XPS M1210, which weighs less than five pounds; but like I said I can deal with the weight. Now I just have to deal with the fact that the default screen size is too itty bitty for my blind eyes.)

I never thought laptop speakers could be this crystal clear. Huzzah for Rhapsody and Dylan! Currently listening to the Oh Mercy cd...

Posted by cj at 11:05 PM | Comments (0)

June 01, 2006

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I've been in Chicago for two years, longer than I've stayed in any city since graduating college 6 years ago. Eventually, I'd like to get a job in the peace economy, but since that economy is currently dwarfed by all other economies in the US, I'm havin a bit of difficulty finding a dream job...

And then, I've got to wonder: where should I be applying for work? I thought I had decided to try to stick it out here in the Land of Broken Dreams. But familial relations are tugging my heart strings back to LaLa Land. My friends caution me not to make a decision based solely on feelings for others. Which is true. I think part of the problem is that I've been stuck in my head alone for the last year and the opportunity to truly help someone sparkles at me like a pair of shiny, new shoes. And if you know me at all, you know it's difficult for me to pass up new shoes.

Often, I berate myself for the apparent lack of forward progress in my life in the last year. I stayed at exactly the same job in exactly the same apartment with almost exactly the same furniture as I was a year ago, when I was eagerly anticipating moving back to LaLa Land with the broken promise. Dig a little deeper and you'll find that (a)I no longer define myself in relation to a significant other (b)I've taken on more responsibility in WILPF - I'm now the Program Chair! And it can be a little overwhelming at times to think about, but it's definitely enough work to keep me busy (c)I've been applying to jobs and (d)I've really learned how to enjoy my own company.

Now it's time to completely move on. 50% of me wants to keep trucking along in The Windy City, because for some reason I feel like I can get my bearings here better than anywhere with the distraction of friends and family. The other 50% wants to go back to L.A. - at least for a year - because it would be a great year to be in L.A...

in other news, I got my first tan in, oh, five years! It's only the start of great things to come. Of course, next time I'm out on the river in 90 degree heat, I'll wear sunscreen.

Posted by cj at 10:21 PM | Comments (0)

May 21, 2006

Ode to My Lost Hair

I've had many haircuts over the years. At times, I've chosen to cut a helluva lot of it off. On Friday, May 19, 2006 I did not plan to lose the vast majority of my hair. I planned to get it shaped in anticipation of my cuz's wedding next weekend. Never before has a hair cut brought me to tears. Saturday morning, I was crying.

So what went so horribly wrong? I went to Salon Diva with an image in my head of what I wanted: a bob, could be shorter in the back, tapering towards the front. I looked through a book of short haircuts. Fell in love with a variation on a cut I've had in the past: short in the back, long in the front. Instead of saying "this is what I want" I tried to explain to the hair dresser that I wanted to be able to part my hair in the middle. So she showed me a second photo. I thought she was showing it to show the edge of the hair: how it was a diagonal slant. So I enthusiastically said, yes exactly. She asked me if I was ready for short haircut. I said, oh I've had my hair much shorter before.

So that was my first fatal mistake. I should've made sure at that point we were still talking about the same frickin haircut. Because, you see, her idea was to cut all of my hair REALLY SHORT, like in the pic she showed me. My idea was to look more hetero than butch, like the pic I showed her.

So she started cutting. And mind you, I have to take my glasses off to get my hair cut, rendering me blind. She had me put my glasses on to see half my head. I gasped. It was clearly several inches shorter than I wanted: instead of my hair covering my entire ear, it was ABOVE IT! I kept repeating how fast my hair grows, how it'll be okay because my hair grows fast.

She really, really didn't get it. When she was through butchering my head, she kept repeating that she was willing to cut more off. That if I changed my mind, she'd be willing to do a trim, no problem. TRIM?!?! There's not enough hair left to warrant a trim! To add insult to injury, there's no diagonal line of hair. There is simply an extremely unflattering straight line across the top of my ears. I couldn't be more horrified.

And yes, my small head is perfectly shaped for short hair cuts, so even with this woman butchering my hair, I am still able to make it look decent. But instead of having flowing, wavy hair this summer I have to constantly work against my butch haircut in my pursuit of male companionship. I have a copy of Frida Kahlo's self portrait, where she cut off all her hair and looks like a man in a suit on a chair. Never thought that would happen to me against my will. I really wish I could fast forward my hair growth five months. I can't believe how long it's going to take me to undo her horrific handiwork. And don't get me started on how bad I'm going to look in my cousin's wedding pictures. I guess it's a good thing we're second cousins: probably means less photos to commemorate this horrifying experience.

Posted by cj at 07:05 PM | Comments (0)

The Never-Ending Crush of Crap

Sigh. I've been trying to clean my flat for weeks, in anticipation of it's big week. Next week is a big week for my stoic, little abode. It will welcome two different visitors (thankfully, at two different times). Alas, it currently has my trademark features: Stuff, Stuff, and More Stuff. I've been cleaning for an hour, even though I was planning on cleaning all day. What have I been doing instead? Oh, my usual Sunday routine of newspaper reading, talk-show watching, large breakfast eating, email replying ways. It looks gorgeous outside. Not that I'm going out there. I have too much detritus to clean up. Besides, I'm enjoying my newest purchase: a Rhapsody subscription! Technically, I'm in my 14 day trial period. It's really nice to be able to listen to all those cd's I've been yearning for this past year (that I got to know in other people's collections and for some ridiculous reason never got into my own collection). Sign that I'm getting old: I couldn't get into the new Pearl Jam or Jewel cd's, but I'm thoroughly enjoying Nashville Skyline by Dylan. Oh well.

Posted by cj at 05:54 PM | Comments (0)

May 17, 2006

Dropped Calls, Wrong Numbers, and the Annoyance of Land Lines

My mobile gets terrible reception in my house. Which is why I was sorta happy to get a land line. But here's something they don't tell you when they sign you up for a number: someone had that number before you and people will continue to call looking for that person long after you take possession of the number. So Paul with terrible credit, wherever you are, get your life in order, man! And I really wish the telemarketers would stop calling for you at my number.

On the positive side, a long lost friend got in touch with me via my land line. Although it's a little creepy to be in a directory now. Just so different - I've never been listed as such before....but I guess it's a good thing. And maybe in the near future registering my land line on donotcall.gov will actually stop the telemarketers from calling Paul. That would be nice.

Posted by cj at 09:35 PM | Comments (0)

April 29, 2006

not drunk anymore

Last night was amusing. Lessons learned:
1. Liars don't deserve your time.
2. The past is the past is the past.
3. The future is bright.
4. Breakfast wont make itself.

Posted by cj at 09:24 AM | Comments (0)

April 17, 2006

reunion?

Wonderin if my high school class is having a ten year reunion...I would think it would be coming up and that I didn't miss the invite. After all, my folks still have the same address even if I'm in Chi-town.

In my search for an answer (none found), I found the Wikipedia entry for my ol' haunts...I think the father of the internet listed was a member of my mom's graduating class.

I do love how LA has "areas" - they aint cities, they aint nothin legal, and yet your US mail goes to the area, not LA...(As I often explain to ppl, I grew up in LA since my mayor was the mayor of LA, even though I was in Northridge in the Valley)...

Posted by cj at 11:10 PM | Comments (0)

life in perspective

I went home for Passover last week. It just so happens that the holiday started at a very important time for me to be with my family.

Someone very close to me was diagnosed with a disease that though not fatal, has no cure. It's been a scary and sad and anxiety-ridden week. It puts my paltry problems into clear perspective. It forces me to reconsider things that I thought I had figured out - namely, that I didn't want to move anywhere near home.

It's not just because someone is sick that I'm considering moving home. Sickness reminds us who and what is important in life - health and happiness, clearly, but also the peace of mind that comes from being surrounded by loved ones. As my cousin put it, you don't have to move back to L.A. to be close enough to find strength from your family. I could move to San Diego...or Phoenix and be near my brother and nephews...or Vegas and be near my folks when they retire. It's just that I've always felt like a square peg in a round hole in those places. True, it's not exactly like I've found my place here just yet, but there's so much I love about Chicago - the neighborhood festivals in the summer; Millennium Park; Lake Shore Drive; riding public trans to work everyday....I've never felt this way about a city before. So I dunno. I've got some more thinking to do. And reading on many subjects - from career paths to disease info...

on the bright side, I'm getting a new laptop! Woohoo! I hope I have the arm strength to carry the beast...and, I brought my computer speakers back from L.A., so I'm able to listen to my mp3's with better clarity. So life isn't all bad; it's just in perspective.

Posted by cj at 08:38 PM | Comments (0)

April 04, 2006

The Switch is Complete...

And my purse is already feeling fuller.

The Comcast cable box is packed into one DSL box.
The Comcast modem is packed into the other DSL box.

An AT&T phone and modem are connected to the (one) phone line in my flat.

A crappy antenna is attached to my tv, valiently trying to receive edited versions of a cancelled HBO series on WGN.

And I merged my Yahoo account with this "I'm AT&T but your email address is going to say SBG Global" account.

Thank goodness for Netflix - it was the reason I was able to give up the cable chord. And save $70 a month. Woohoo! Too bad I wont be able to follow Entourage when it starts in June...

Posted by cj at 10:18 PM | Comments (0)

March 28, 2006

i ate oatmeal!

Yes, I'm a freak for getting excited about this. But it's the first meal I've had today...I tried to eat some chicken soup at lunch and the first few slurps refused to sit still.

FYI, I've got severe bronchitis. My prescriptions cost $160.

When, oh when, will we get universal healthcare in the US?

...can't wait to start really feeling better. Being sick and alone really sucks.

and yet, for some reason, I'm convinced that I'd be able to eat Chicago's pizza. I think I've watched way too many commercials for inferior pizza. I have refrained from ordering home delivery. I'm afraid that (a)I'll fall asleep before the delivery person gets here and (b)I wont be able to eat it. And that is too horrifying a possibility to accept.

Posted by cj at 07:18 PM | Comments (0)

March 26, 2006

The Bug Is Draining Me Right Now...

For about a month, I've watched as all of my coworkers succumbed to one viral infection after another. Or maybe some of the infections were caused by bacteria. In any event, one coworker could barely talk and another kept reverting to sickness even after an antibiotic treatment.

And now, it's hit me. I started feeling bad last night, but I was determined to round off my bday weekend with another night on the town. And now, I feel like crap. I'll admit it - this is the time when living alone sucks. At least I stockpile canned Wolfgang Puck soup for such occasions...too bad I'm too nauseous to contemplate eating.

[/end pity rant]

Thanks to everyone who made my birthday memorable! It ranks up there in the echelons of "very good years."

Posted by cj at 03:11 PM | Comments (0)

March 22, 2006

Thoughts on Time and Space

On the eve of my 28th birthday, I'm faced with a lot of life that's happened. At times, it slipped by me while I wasn't looking. Other points in the past are seared into my memory: starkly dreary, amazingly beautiful, inspirational...

Spring is really blooming, despite the cold weather. I'm rather excited by the possibilities of life, and I try to remind myself that it's perfectly acceptable to not have A Plan. Too many people I know are wrapped up in Need To Do's. Especially important to many women is breeding. I suppose five years from now, this might be a concern of mine as well. But not now.

I'm perfectly happy having zero obligations that I can't get out of if I need to. Granted, I've attached myself to things: work, WILPF, blogs, and an extension on my lease. And during the winter of my discontent, I let go of some things. More importantly, I reached back and pulled myself to the surface: while I don't regret falling in love, I've learned the difference between love and co-dependence. My new interactions with the world aren't based on desperate need, rather I start from choice and move through preference to desire.

And now, I must push myself to do more than babble to myself and watch Lost.

Posted by cj at 08:38 PM | Comments (1)

March 16, 2006

feelin guilty...

things I feel guilty about:
1. lack of updates on my blogs
2. not cleaning my apt
3. not finding sister activists to work with in Chi-town
4. not being okay w numbers one through three

there was other stuff but I lost my train of thought in the ether of the net. (cutting and pasting not my friend.)

on the other hand, i'm glad that:
1. My friend calls me to hear me tell her to break up with her s.o. Even if I have to have this conversation for another year, I'm glad she listens to me and I'm glad I'm strong enough to say this.
2. I'm a phenomenal, independent woman. I pay my own way and pave my own path. I've chosen a rocky road. My heart has been crushed. My ego demolished. My sanity questioned on several occasions. But, for the most part, I'm a level-headed woman who doesn't need a man to make her whole.
3. I've experienced love and the feeling that another human can make me whole.
4. I've separated my desires from my needs from my aspirations: I aspire to a better, more fulfilling job; I need to continue being an independent, opinionated woman; I desire a partner on my journey, but do not need that.

Posted by cj at 11:09 PM | Comments (0)

February 08, 2006

I am not Normal

But then, you knew that.

I don't remember the last time this happened - I did not watch the Super Bowl. I work in advertising and I did not see the Ultimate Ad Showdown. Good thing I don't work in teevee ads.

I'm glad Pittsburgh won - I have a soft spot for that town after working there for about four months one year.

I did not see the Big Game because I was travelling between Portland, Oregon and Chicago. I had a nice time starting to read Empire Falls by Richard Russo which I picked up at Powell's bookstore.

I spent most of my time in PDX hangin with my sister WCUSP l.t. members, sleepin on the top bunk in a hostel, and getting to know a few Oregon members of Women's International League for Peace and Freedom (WILPF).

I should be asleep, but I recently downloaded Thunderbird to help me get a handle on my activist email. So far, it's download 5400 messages, the most recent from November, 2005. I'm a little obsessive and want to try to get all my email downloaded before I go to sleep, even though I don't have time to sort it or create folders or anything. Having folders again will be such a blessing - I really hate that about Gmail. Labels just don't work with this much chatter.

Now I know why I haven't had time to blog - between email, being on the national board of WILPF and the WCUSP leadership team, looking for a new job, and doing my current job, I simply haven't made the time for this activity which is near and dear to my heart. I'll try harder in the future...

Posted by cj at 12:02 AM | Comments (0)

January 11, 2006

New York City and the Bug from the Office

Had a really interesting three days in NYC - finally put faces to voices for my coworkers there; made some new friends and was offered an apartment, available February first; and spent way too much time on trains, bus, and subways. Went to Katz's deli, famous site of the fake orgasm scene in "When Harry Met Sally," and had to horse down my pastrami sandwhich in order to make my plane. I think it would have been a good meal if I had time for table service, but for price and amenities, nothing beats Brent's.

On my flight back, I felt the beginning of the bug that hit my office last week. Still haven't kicked it. Nothin worse than bein sick. At least I had some soup and Advil Cold & Sinus available at home...

Posted by cj at 07:27 AM | Comments (0)

December 31, 2005

Happy New Year!

I enjoy the extended time I've had at the end of 2005 to reflect on my life. Bob and I are having a magnificent New Year party - I'm drinkin Cote du Rhone and throwing together a feast, and he's singing me into the new year.

I hope everyone is happy and healthy and looking forward to an extraordinary 2006. I've made my resolutions, and hope you have too.

notes on my feast:
brie and crackers...too much of both for the guest list
lobster ravioli...too much butter sauce for the amount made
potatoes, asparagus, and strip steak...in progress...

I'm free to choose my future and explore the world. It's going to be an exciting year. Although, I gotta say, I'm not too impressed with On the Road...blasphemous, I know, for a woman whose domain name comes from "Howl" ...

Posted by cj at 07:23 PM | Comments (0)

November 27, 2005

Dude.

Spent Tuesday night through Saturday afternoon with the fam in North Las Vegas. Folks have their retirement home there. Not that they've retired yet.

Saw my brother for the first time in 21 months. Not that we're estranged. He just lives in Phoenix and can't get off work a lot to join fam gatherings in LA or Vegas. Still, it was weird seeing him. He and his ex-wife assumed I'd be bringing my boyfriend along. Apparently, I need to remember to email them, since neither of them knew about my breakup.

So I meant to leave all these links here about the reality of the creation of the USA - the genocide of indigenous people, the stealing of the land, the gluttony that persists on top of a lie. Its important history. But I read those articles a few days ago. And while I'm interested in them, its not what lingers with me from Turkey Day. Thanksgiving, like most holidays, for me is about seeing family. I usually don't live near my fam, so its an excuse to see them. Its also an obligation to see them. And to wonder how we're all related. Don't get me wrong - I love my family dearly. I just wonder why my priorities are so different from everyone around me.

As this long break winds down for me, I must remember the things I'm thankful for. I'm so grateful for the life I've led in the past year - the experiences and people I've been honored to share my journey with. And now its time to move forward.

Randomly, I recently joined myspace, which I've been amused with ever since it was the cover story of the Style Section of the Sunday NYT. So far, I've been contacted by a Chicago party promoter, a woman looking to promote her myspace site (and perhaps her friendship?), a Chicago band, and the hilarious Booze 'n Jews. They're havin another party and its only a five dolla cover. Question is - why would anyone go dancin on a Wednesday night? Wouldn't they rather be watching Lost? I'm sorry, I forgot. I'm not sure I'm cool enough for this crowd. I can see it now - it'll be just like the time I tried going to a JDate party in DC: I'll be the only Jew who knows how to dance and every guy will be afraid to approach me. Except for the really short pharmacists. I think my mom had the same curse.

In case you're interested, here's my myspace page. I meant to take a digital pic this weekend, but since I have no current pics of myself, you'll just have to enjoy the Chicago skyline near my office last summer.

Posted by cj at 10:23 PM | Comments (0)

November 20, 2005

What I Did Today Instead of Reading the Paper

My day was turned upside down by having my paper stolen. Here's what I did instead:

1. Called the NYT to order a replacement paper (that never came).
2. Fooled around on the net
3. Watched the first interview on Meet the Press, then switched to This Week b/c there is no public health system in the US so I didn't want to waste my time listening to talking heads talk about the impending avian flu pandemic
4. Watched Ebert & Roeper
5. Watched The Chris Matthews Show
6. Made an omelette and watched drivel on VH1
7. Listened to Johnny Cash and fooled around on the net.
8. Created http://www.myspace.com/chickenfootstew
(random Brit already took angelheaded hipster)
9. Created a testimonial for Friendster.

I want my magazine! I want my book reviews! I crave my Style Section! And now I must get up and start sorting through the piles of clothes I've created by opening long-sealed duffel bags and doing laundry.

Posted by cj at 05:38 PM | Comments (0)

October 30, 2005

Random Sink Update

My refurbished sink basin got a new friend on Friday - a new faucet! I don't care anymore that the basin should have been replaced because the grating problem remains and water pools on one side of the basin because I have a beautiful new faucet that has plenty of hot water pressure. Yahoo! I think the sink is enjoying my beautiful new dishes too.

Posted by cj at 12:38 AM | Comments (0)

October 26, 2005

Dissection of a Broken Heart

Oh hell, it is still too soon for this post. The detritus of my past life surrounds me. It's all a memory of what once was, what I clung to desperately long after my head knew it was over, where I dreamed for four months for completion.

I would give up all the material crap he left me in a heart beat, if I had only gotten what I waited four months for.

Lessons Learned:
1. Have your own friends in the city you live in. Doesn't matter if you stumble and spend time with crappy people for awhile, make time to find your own peeps where you live.
2. Put yourself first. Always. At the end of the day, no matter how much you think you're in love, you are the only person you can depend on.
3. Do not denigrate your friends and family. No matter how special you think your relationship is, the people who were with you before it started are the ones who will be there after it ends.
4. Never lose yourself in someone else's opinions or dreams. They are not your dreams. If you forget what your dreams are, you need to end the relationship - a person always needs her own dreams. And living happily ever after with your partner cannot be your only dream.
5. Try not to berate yourself for taking time to grieve the end of a relationship. The more you gave away during the good times, the harder it will be once its over. Eventually, you'll be able to control your tear ducts and emotions.
6. Keep moving foward even while following lesson #5.
7. Life is too short to lack in any area of a relationship. Do not accept mediocrity and do not get so comfortable being miserable that you forget how fabulous you are as an individual.

So obviously, I still need to remind myself of these seven lessons. Its hella hard. Best and worst advice I took from that guy was getting my own apartment. Right now, it's the loneliest place in the world.

Posted by cj at 08:08 PM | Comments (2)

October 20, 2005

Life Without a Sink Sucks

Eating microwaved food on paper plates sucks. Defrosting your crappy freezer by scraping the ice build up off sucks. At least I can use the reconstructed sink tomorrow...

Its interesting when you have bad news in your personal life - who you decide to tell first, how you tell people, how many people you tell, when you tell them. When you get exhausted talking about it so you turn to thinking about it and staring at the black box and wondering when Thursday went from Must See TV to "only a half hour you have to see" tv (that'd be Everybody Hates Chris).

...back to the Daily Show...

Posted by cj at 10:10 PM | Comments (0)

September 18, 2005

Desires of a Woman with a Hangover

1. Neighbors who don't steal your Sunday New York Times when you're too sick to pick it up before 2:30pm.
2. The ability to puke before going to sleep, to avoid the disturbing scenes in the bathroom the day after.
3. Knowing how to get piss drunk without getting damn sick.
4. Peanut butter and toast in the house on demand.
5. A good Thai restaurant nearby to deliver carb-rich Pad Thai.
6. More to drink in the house besides water, tea, and coffee. (More than two sips of O.J. or soda would be good.)

The saddest thing is I can't even do my laundry (my big plan for the day) since I can barely walk, much less trek a huge load of laundry down three flights of stairs. Hopefully, spaghetti will help...

Posted by cj at 04:01 PM | Comments (0)

September 09, 2005

Happiness is a Pair of Cute Glasses

I've gone through a variety of feelings in the past week - mostly despair and distress related to watching too much CNN coverage of the disaster in the Gulf region.

Somehow, I made time to find an optometrist and a new pair of glasses. I first went shopping last Friday wearing my current glasses, which is always a terrible way to shop since I can't see without glasses and therefore couldn't really tell how I looked in any of the glasses I was trying on.

So I went back today and had an exam (prescription basically the same, astigmatism getting worse b/c I'm online too much) and tried on some frames with contacts on. What a difference! Thank goodness I got the contacts b/c the frames I chose on Friday were ugly and too big whereas the ones I chose today are cute and little. I'm very excited.

Plus, Dr. Gregory Artim was really nice and incredibly helpful in making sure he got my prescription just right. And his assistant put up with me for at least an hour on Friday trying on all sorts of glasses.

Its worth the pact I had to make to get the glasses. Even though I have "vision coverage" through my health plan, it still blows and doesn't cover enough, so I couldn't really afford the glasses on my own. Instead, I agreed to pay for my ticket home for Thanksgiving and my fabulous Pops paid for the glasses and exam. (Which means I get no Cuban food on Turkey Day from mi chavo's father, a fabulous cook. Sigh. The choices we must make.)

If you're in Chicago, go see Dr. Artim.

Posted by cj at 01:02 AM | Comments (0)

August 28, 2005

It is Raining in Chile

This might be useless knowledge to you, but it's particularly important to me, since mi chavo is in Santiago.

Check out this AP photo on Yahoo News.

Apparently, the buses to Mendoza, Argentina wont be running until next Saturday. Please send encouraging thoughts towards Chile, both for the safety of the Chileans who have fled their homes, and for mi chavo to realize he needs to spend the extra money and get a flight out of there.

Posted by cj at 09:58 PM | Comments (0)

August 20, 2005

Happy Anniversary To Us

or me as the case may be.

Mi chavo and I have been together for a year from our agreed upon beginning (our second date).

I have never had a better year in my life. Thank you for completing my world.

I have never been closer to another person. And yet, I've never been farther apart from someone I care about this much. Happy anniversary, mi amor. Have fun in Chile and Argentina and get your gorgeous ass back to Chicago soon!

Posted by cj at 01:38 PM | Comments (0)

August 18, 2005

I'm getting shaky....

I had an intense week last week in San Francisco, participating in the US WILPF Triennial Congress. More on that over there.

Then I came home with very little sleep. Spent some time after midnight Sunday night / Monday morning chatting with my cousin. Read some of the Sunday New York Times. Woke up rather early to go to a chiropractor appt before work. And went to work. And that cycle repeated most of the week - with the inclusion of a trip to Trader Joe's and laundry tonight (must stop writing and go get it).

Here's the thing that's really throwing me off - I stopped smoking or drinking soda. I've been struggling with smoking for the past dozen years. I have quit several times, but never permanently. Often something sucks me in - really long drives (like across country alone), drinking alcohol, hanging out with smokers, etc. And I've been addicted to soda longer than I've been addicted to nicotine. I distinctly remember being home from college for a week or two and only drinking coffee and Coke. What a health nut I am!

So this week, it was cold turkey. I never really meant to do both at the same time, but I got sick of lugging soda up to my third floor apt and paying for it and feeling guilty about drinking it afterwards. (Guilty because of the sugar content, not because of the probably valid problems people have with the Coca-Cola corporation.) And I left college thinking I would quit smoking then. I've always known the smoking kills line, since I lost three grandparents to it, but that doesn't really connect with the part of me that just enjoys the sweet release of the deep inhale of that completely addictive carcinogen. I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay on the wagon when I go out - wont I just tell myself its okay to drink soda as long as I don't smoke? And wont I just bum a smoke once I get drunk? I dunno the answers. All I know is that I'm itchin for a fix.

So far, I've gotten through the headaches with lots of water and tea and some strawberries. I think I need to buy more ice cream - but everything I put in my crappy freezer gets freezer burn instantaneously (its the small type within a refridgerator that isn't made for actual freezing, just occasional storing).

That's my story. Thanks for indulging my self-involved tendencies and reading this post despite the fact that its not directly related to culture (the true theme of this blog).

Posted by cj at 08:55 PM | Comments (0)

July 10, 2005

My First Weekend Alone

My luck ain't that good. Or I dunno, maybe it's fate.

On my first weekend completely alone in my apartment (last weekend a friend was visiting), and I am sick. No big deal - I decided to spend the weekend in bed, enjoying my cable internet and tv and drinking plenty of tea.

Which I was somewhat happily doing until about 9:20pm Saturday night. That's when my electricity went out. Nothing reminds you how alone you are like you're life going dark, your fan turning off, your tv not distracted you with the True Story of how and why Jerry Springer went from normal talk show host to captain of the freaks (it was all about ratings and the threat of cancellation).

Right. So there I was, alone in the dark. I could see that other apts in my building complex were also dark, but I wasn't sure what to do. I figured other ppl were calling the janitor (building super? I'm not sure how to explain the woman who we're supposed to call for all maintenance issues instead of calling the actual landlord). So, I did the obvious thing - I called my sister.

Because, after all, a woman 2,000 miles away in Los Angeles is the perfect person to solve my electrical issues. Actually, mostly I just needed to hear a friendly voice. It gets lonely in the dark. She told me to light candles (most of which I left in Forest Park) and turn on a flashlight. When I pointed out I didn't have a flashlight, she told me to go buy one. Clearly, getting obvious information is the reason to disrupt a woman at a wedding (I didn't actually know she was at a wedding).

So, I went outside and on a lark, checked the trunk of my car. I remembered that I had once bought flashlights (I think when I originally bought the car because my union organizing supervisor had suggested them for long drives). Amazingly, I found one of those three year old flashlights - the biggest one in fact. And it was working. But I didn't want to lose the battery (it wasn't quite as bright as it could've been.) Plus, who wants to sit alone in a darkened apartment?

Some neighbors were in the courtyard and asked me to call the janitor to pressure her to actually do something. Someone from down the street came (after I left messages for both the janitor and the landlord) and explained the problem was happening all along the street. Some folks lost power in only part of their houses (and some ppl in my building had power in a room, but not me...probably b/c my apt is basically one room).

Everyone went back to their apartments and I thought, why do that? So I sat in the courtyard and called my cousin, hoping my reception would work for once in my building. I was able to get caught up a bit on her life, but then the connection started breaking up when I started talkin about my life. (A sign perhaps?) So I thanked her for keeping me company and said goodbye. Went to my apt and got a book and came back to the courtyard (where some of the lights were on). Found out ComEd said the lights would be on by 11pm. And the janitor showed up with her husband because she thought it was a breaker problem, but once she realized it was the whole street she bailed. (I actually didn't realize she didn't live in the building. Good to know.)

I came back to my apt around 10:20pm. I think I was asleep before 11. My obnoxious, drunk ass next door neighbor woke me up at 1am shouting from the courtyard asking why the lights were out. (She then banged her way upstairs and unlocked the other door in my hallway which is how I know she's my dumbass neighbor.) Ug. So the lights still aren't on and now I'm awake. Great. Thanks for nothin.

Went back to sleep. I had left my tv on so I'd know when the electricity came back on. That happened at about 4:10am. Why did I wake up and write this? Mostly b.c I had to go to the bathroom, thanks for asking. Um, and because I'm a dork and like to record memorable moments while they're fresh in my mind. And I sent it as an email before blogging it, since most of my friends can't be bothered to check my blogs (cough, sister, cough).

Oh, and I got online initially to try to figure out what the hell happened. All I could find was a website's blog saying there was a massive power outtage in the Chicagoland area. (Chicagoland being Chicago and its neighboring suburbs.) And that their backup generators kicked it and they were online again. Nothin yet on the Trib's site or any actual news site.

I'm going to try to go back to sleep now. Note to self: buy 4 D batteries (I told you it was a big flashlight). Check trunk for more flashlights (I remember I bought a set and this was the biggest one.)

Looks like I can survive most things on my own...um, as long as I have my cell phone and a Red Ink Press book to distract me. :)

Posted by cj at 05:00 AM | Comments (0)

July 05, 2005

The Long Goodbye

My boyfriend wanted me to blog about our goodbye last Monday, June 27. The events were too personal for this space. He's in South America for a couple of months backpacking around the continent. I'll try to be more vigilant about creating new posts in a timely manner.

"Me Without You" is a good Netflix choice.

"Cinderalla Man" is a good Ron Howard movie.

Posted by cj at 07:24 PM | Comments (0)

June 29, 2005

Cafe Matou

Matou is French for tom cat. Cafe Matou is a beautiful French restaurant in Bucktown. The menu changes daily and features seasonal food with unique seasoning.

After spending the early morning and afternoon eating Guatemalan tamales and Pollo Campero, mi amor and I spent Saturday night saying goodbye to each other over an amazing French meal. It is our new tradition - we first went to Cafe Matou before I left for L.A. for Thanksgiving (our longest time apart until now).

The restaurant offers champagne by the glass, which mi chavo thoroughly enjoys. Personally, I prefer a Berry Godmother as an appetizer drink - it's champagne with raspberry liquer and a dark chocolate twizzle stick. Absolutely delicious.

Along with our champagne, we had appetizers - mi chavo had

Grillade des asperges et champignon
Grilled asparagus and portabello served with a relish a relish of tomato, fresh basil, garlic, extra virgin olive oil, and Auvergne blue cheese

And I had a duck confit salad -

Salade de mesclun et confit de canard auvergnate
Baby mixed greens, duck confit, roast bosc pear, Auvergne blue cheese and walnut vinaigrette

At first, I didn't want to try fish because the smell of seafood isn't appetizing to me (although it tastes good and I always mistake the smell of shellfish for the smell of fish). In the end, I chose a blackened grouper with breading in a delightful sauce that included tarragon and something else. Mi chavo had the salmon with asparagus and a sauce, but I can't remember exactly what was in anything. Perhaps because we also shared a bottle of white Rhone wine. It was magnificent. After finishing ever last bite of my meal, we ordered dessert. Mi chavo picked better for dessert quality - he had phyllo with yummy stuffing. It was rich and filling, but I only had a taste so again, can't remember the details. I had figs in a light syrup with a side of chantilly. What's chantilly, you ask. Well, it's basically a fragile whipped cream. We drank coffee with dessert.

My problems began when the sommelier offered us a taste of a red wine while we were finishing our coffee (we were talking to him and were surprised that he was drinking a chilled red wine). After a few sips of that wine, I was a goner. Felt as drunk as a skunk. Oh well. I suppose most of our best evenings have ended with me passing out on the way home.

We had delightful conversation throughout the evening and I managed to not think about work during most of the date. It was spectacular.

Posted by cj at 03:28 PM | Comments (0)

Meeting La Abuela de mi Chavo

So mi chavo's grandmother arrived Friday night, as you probably know from my previous entries. She is the most amazing woman. She's 85 years old, and despite serious ailments (like arthritis that has deformed her hands and feet and a touch of deafness), she is still extremely active. And she loves to talk. Which is absolutely fabulous, except, um, I'm not fluent in Spanish.

Oh, if I could only go back and slap the girl who goofed off in high school Spanish because she didn't like her teachers. If I could only chastise the woman who refused to take Spanish class seriously in college because it wasn't Chinese (the language she really wanted to learn). If only, if only.

La abuela de mi chavo made tamales for us in Guatemala and brought them to Chi-town. Except we didn't get all of the tamales, because she "had" to sell some at market to cover the cost of the ingredients (she didn't actually need to sell anything - mi chavo's father would have covered the cost - but again, she's stubborn). I mention this because truly made from scratch tamales taste like nothing else. If you eat enough tamales, you can really taste the difference between masa made from a bag and masa made from ground-up, fresh corn. It was absolutely amazing; better than any tamales I've ever had.

So, we had to make do with my limited abilities and her desire to get to know me as soon as possible. At one point, mi chavo's father had to tell her that I'm a gringa and she should talk to me like a gringa, not like a Guatemalteca. But we managed to work it out. I told her about my work and my family and she told me about how her friend didn't like whiskey, but when she gave her friend a whiskey and 7-Up, then she liked it. (Which got me telling her how whiskey and 7-up is my sister's favorite drink too.) I used to be partial to whiskey, but somewhere between graduating college and now I lost my taste for hard liquor. Instead, I like girly drinks and wine. (My current favorites are almaretto sour and any wine from the Rhone Valley in France.)

I'm really lucky, not just because I have mi chavo, but also because his family has welcomed me with open arms. It's just such a wonderful experience.

Aside: some people might not have read my explanation of "mi chavo." It means my boyfriend and is a Guatemalan phrase. Mi chavo doesn't want to be identified by his name, hence using the pseudonym. When he gives me ideas for my blogs, I refer to him as "Blind Boy Grunt," which was a name used by Bob Dylan. Since I do not claim to know 25% of what mi chavo knows about Dylan, I'm not going to try to explain the origin of that name.

Posted by cj at 01:54 PM | Comments (0)

April 26, 2005

Random Notes

I spent the weekend in Los Angeles. From Friday afternoon through Monday morning, mi chavo and I hung out with my fam and celebrated Passover seders. It was quite an intense experience. I feel like we've made it past a significant milestone in our eight month (and six days) relationship. Plus, the weather was ab fab, we both bought some great shoes, and my mom's cooking is always amazing.

I'll post more soon. Apologies for my poor upkeep of my online persona - work has been extremely busy lately.

Posted by cj at 02:03 PM | Comments (0)

April 05, 2005

Ugh....I'm Sick

Apparently, this particular sickness has been festering for weeks. I personally became aware of it on Sunday. Except I'm a little annoyed because I mentioned one of the symptoms to my doctor weeks ago and he never looked into it. When I showed up this morning, he thought I was being a hypochondriac since I've seen him so much this year. When he realized I have a fever, he started treating the visit with a little respect.

Which is fine. I guess. Except that he said he'd call me with lab results, and he never did. Oh well. I suppose he's just been really busy since I saw him this morning. Ironically, my mom is home sick today with the same illness.

Posted by cj at 04:44 PM | Comments (0)

March 24, 2005

Red Light, the Dinner

After witnessing the marvel that is a Chocolate Bag on "Check, Please!" mi amor made a reservation for my birthday.

A little background for people who don't live in Chicago - "Check, Please!" is a show on PBS that features three regular Chicagoans reviewing three restaurants (each person suggests a place to review, then they all eat there and go on the show and talk about the experience). Its hosted by one of the few female sommeliers in the world. Anyway, Red Light was featured and they highlighted the Chocolate Bag.

Our night began with changing into fancy pants clothes. Then we drove to the restaurant and were seated right away. That was the last time we were served immediately. Mind you, we were taken to a table that was so close to the tables around it, the hostess had to pull the table away to let me have room to sit down (and then pushed it in so far I had no leg room left). At times, I felt like I could hear my neighbors' conversations better than mi chavo's voice.

We ordered drinks and appetizers first: I had a green lantern (Midori Sour, Rasberry Vodka, and something else) and mi chavo had a My Tai. He ordered lobster wraps (wrapped in crispy wontons) and I ordered vegetarian Vietnamese spring rolls (bits of veggies wrapped in extremely thin rice paper). Our appetizers arrived before our drinks.

Next to arrive was the wine, poured by a friendly sommelier. The guy was thrilled that we had picked a Portugese white wine that tasted like liquid metal. The sommelier raved about the wine and how well it went with their food. Mi chavo enjoyed it, but like I said, it tasted like liquid metal.

Next to arrive was the main course. The server accidentally put mi chavo's plate in front of me. When he picked it up to move it over to mi amor's side of the table, he knocked over my martini glass - breaking it and spilling my Green Lantern all over the floor. Thankfully, it didn't get on me or my neighbor. The sommelier seemed offended when I said I would like a replacement glass. (Hell yeah - sweet, bright green goodness trumps metallically wine everyday of the week!) My main course was Chicken Vindaloo - chicken with an apple potato curry; mi chavo had Mee Gha Ti - chicken stir fry with chili, mint, rice noodles, and kaffir lime coconut sauce. We also ordered a delicious side of asparagus and shitake mushrooms. The food was very good. Surprisingly large portions of everything...and then, mi chavo bit into a chili and he wasn't as happy as he had been with his "refreshing" dinner.

Eventually, I had to use the facilities...a girl can only drink so much...and that created the need to move the entire table to allow me to squeeze between it and the potted tree seated next to me. When I got back, the waiter brought my chocolate bag with a candle in it. Yay! I made a very sappy wish and blew it out. Both mi chavo and I were surprised at how small the bag was. I assume that "Check, Please!" took the picture straight on, making the bag appear much larger than it actually is. Nevertheless, it was delicious.

The Chocolate Bag is a bag made out of Belgian dark chocolate. The first thing you see is a blueberry and sliced strawberries, topped with whipped cream. Underneath that berry goodness is white chocolate mousse. Omigoodness. There is no slice of heaven better than a Chocolate Bag. I also had a latte. Mi amor had some coffee and some other dessert (coconut banana something or other - really, who cares? go for the Chocolate Bag all the way). I'm just sad I didn't save enough room to finish my bag. I stopped about half way through. Sigh.

I've decided that the waiter's bad attitude and the closeness of the tables make Red Light a place I don't need to go back to for dinner. On the other hand, saddling up to the bar for a Chocolate Bag and some brandy is something I hope to do in the near future....

Posted by cj at 02:39 PM | Comments (0)

Bday was Fab...Can I Go to Sleep Now?

Mi chavo and I spent yesterday on holiday...he made breakfast, I decided to go to the Museum of Science and Industry (partly b/c he's been to the Field Museum a lot) and off we went. Didn't know it was on the South Side. Saw more of the lake getting there than I normally do. Including some really pretty waves crashing against the shore.

Stood in line for tickets - realized we should've bought them online, but neither of us has a printer (at home). Experienced a boy's love of trains (really, I've never understood the fascination...though I did always want to ride on the train in the "Silver Spoon's" mansion). Went through a boring toy exhibit (how do you make toys boring? Talk to a bunch of geeky computer scientists about automation and CAD), went through an exhibit on Oil (weird and clearly sponsored by the oil industry), then got in line for the Body Exhibit.

So the body exhibit includes bits of 200 cadavers - all people who donated their bodies to science. Through a process called plastinization, they were able to show real bits of the body never seen before by the public. It was fascinating, but a bit one-sided: almost all of the bits came from males and the only parts of the exhibit that highlighted women were a disturbing room on fetuses and a woman who died while eight months pregnant (her body, in a reclining position, was opened to show the fetus and how the fetus pushes its mother's organs to the side while it develops) and a couple of women's crotches. That's it. No comparison of male and female hips. A couple of cross-sections of boobs, but no full skeletons showing the differences between men and women's bodies. The only full female skeletons showed off muscles flexing while doing athletics. It was rather odd.

Then we had lunch.

Then we went to Game On - an exhibit on the history of computer gaming, which is really an excuse to bring together a cross section of games, starting with Pong and going through Dance, Dance Revolution. Visitors can play the games as much as they want (although you're asked to be nice and share with your fellow visitors) all for the $5 Game On admission price. What I don't understand is why Frogger wasn't included. That and how a family could be as rude as they were in hogging the Ms. Pacman machine. But it looked like mi chavo really enjoyed the exhibit, which was good.

Then it was on to an Omnimax presentation on "The Human Body," which I thought was going to compliment the exhibit we saw. Instead, it was a lot of dialogue and very little pictures from inside the body. Still, the human heart, lungs, ears, and especially the stomach were interesting to see so close and big. Alas, the image of a human stomach still sits badly with me (imagine watching an actor eat a salad then following a tomato into her stomach....ew). Plus, they showed someone popping a zit - in Omnimax widescreen vision. On the bright side, there were adorable babies included. Apparently, people are born with the ability to hold their breath underwater and this trait is lost around 6 months if its not helped along. So there were lil babies swimmin in the pool with their mommies. Oh, I tell you, they were adorable.

Then we went home and changed for our dinner, which I will describe in my next post.

For now, lemme just say I'm exhausted. I want to take a nap. A long nap. Sigh. Can't wait for the day to be over.

Posted by cj at 01:47 PM | Comments (0)

March 23, 2005

Happy Birthday to Me

I'm having the best birthday ever. There's only one thing missing. Mi chavo convinced me to take the day off of work, to enjoy it with him. We're on our way to the Museum of Science and Industry; yes, we can be super dorks.

The thing missing? Homemade chocolate birthday cake (chocolate cake, chocolate frosting) from my mom. MMMMM. Oh, how I miss it. (And eating it on everyone else's bday.)

Posted by cj at 10:01 AM | Comments (1)

March 22, 2005

My Stuffy Head

I am in the worst mood. My head is stuffed. My brain is fried. I keep wishing I was interested in something more cultural so I'd have something to write about on this blog. Nothing's coming. I could post about Les Miz, but frankly I'm not in the mood. I want to curl up in bed with a book. Reading and dozing off sound really nice right now. Arg. I just hope mi chavo doesn't complain about my negativity tonight. What a great birthday eve....

Posted by cj at 04:10 PM | Comments (0)

March 12, 2005

Happy Almost Birthday to Me

Mi Chavo asked me to write a bday wish list, like I did for Hanukah. Frankly, there's absolutely no reason for him to buy me another present. He's already bought tickets to Les Miz (we're going next Thursday at the Cadillac Theater) and plans to take me to Red Light on my bday (Wednesday, March 23).

That being said, there's no reason other loved ones couldn't buy me something. Topping my list of really wants are This Woman's Work Anthology - the Kate Bush box set that includes everything she made up to 1990 and La Femme Nikita, Season Two (finally being re-released by Warner Bros. on March 15).

If you don't have a couple of C notes to throw my way, have no fear. My Amazon wish list includes many other (cheaper) options.

This self-indulgence was brought to you by mi chavo's love.

Posted by cj at 12:49 PM | Comments (0)

March 08, 2005

Busy Bee

There have been staffing changes at work that have made me hella busy for the last month and will keep me busy for the next month. I feel guilty for not updating this blog - or my other blog - more frequently. It also feels weird to not have as much time to read the news. Especially since I've been able to get a coworker's copy of the WSJ recently and can't find the time to read it. Sigh. On the positive side, I'm extremely happy with my job and my living situation. Mi chavo is the best roommate EVER. I particularly enjoyed my breakfast dessert this morning....

Posted by cj at 05:00 PM | Comments (0)

February 19, 2005

Viva Las Vegas

This blog is on hiatus until Tuesday.

Mi chavo, I truly wish you were here.

!Viva Las Vegas!

!Viva Macy's!

!Viva Mom-made breakfast!

Posted by cj at 12:10 PM | Comments (1)

January 26, 2005

Moving Moving Moving

My life is filled with boxes. And scattered junk. And an amazingly helpful boyfriend.

So, I've been packing and moving since Saturday. Also since Saturday, I've had difficulty sleeping through the night - I'm nervous and anxious and fearful of not having all my stuff moved by Monday night. Add to that the fact that I'll be away this weekend, and my life is truly running away from me.

Plus, there's drama at my current abode. My roommates snap at each other and I avoid involvement, hopeful that my silence gets me my deposit back and leads to less tension while I'm there.

On the positive side, mi chavo has already moved two car loads of my stuff. So there's really not that much left. And I put in a reservation for a U-Haul on Monday for my bed and other furniture. I'm just left wondering if my move three months from now will be this stressful. Somehow, I doubt it.

Posted by cj at 11:17 AM | Comments (0)

January 22, 2005

The Weather Outside is Frightful

Last night, mi chavo and I went to Crobar's Anniversary Party. We were lured by its "invitation only" status, and the free drinks from 9-11. Of course, first we had to get ready. For me, that started during the afternoon. I went to Marshall Field's to pay my credit card bill and pick up a few "necessities" at the Lancome counter. Upon arrival, I was offered eyebrow shaping for $20. I've always wanted to do it, so I agreed. Little did I know it would take 30 minutes(!) Oops.

Later, I went to Milo's for a haircut, on the recommendation of my roommate. The stylist was extremely nice, knew exactly what I needed and even gave me a discount for being referred to her(!) Ironically, that made my eyebrow shaping cost the same as my haircut. Adding on the cost of Product for my hair, and I had just enough cash to pay for the event. (It always seems like an event when I get my hair cut because it drastically changes my appearance.)

I came home, got ready, changed because mi chavo didn't approve of my first outfit choice, ate some tasty pasta (I heart Trader Joe's tomato sauce), and went off into the wild, white yonder with mi chavo. Thank goodness we didn't last that long at Crobar - we got into the coat check line at 10 to midnight, were out the door at midnight, and fifteen minutes later had our car from the valet. It was a truly frightful drive home. I hope I never have to get into a cab in a snowstorm b/c they were swerving all over the place. Thankfully, mi chavo grew up here and was able to get us home in one piece.

It's still snowing. There's now only a small bit of my car visible. (It's parked outside my building - about a foot of snow on top of it and the snow on the ground reaches half way up my tires.) Right. Well, I should get back to that packing thing....I just hope it stops snowing before tomorrow when we're scheduled to move most of my stuff out of here...

Posted by cj at 12:40 PM | Comments (0)

January 15, 2005

When Your Mom's Biological Clock Starts Ticking

Awhile ago, before I met mi chavo, my cousin asked me whether or not I plan to raise my children Jewish. I told her I honestly hadn't thought about it. In my mind, finding a man whom I could love as much as my parents love each other seemed so improbable that the simple idea of marriage seemed remote, so no need to think about kids. Plus, I always thought I'd have my career securely in place before starting a family and I'm nowhere near having any certainty on that front.

Juice (my cousin) was surprised at my answer. After all, I was the "Super Jew" of our generation. I was a Bar Mitzvah tutor from the moment my Bat Mitzvah ended (two months before my 13th bday) until the day I went off to college. I was on the e-board of my temple's Jewish youth group and even had a couple of regional positions. And I was in the youth choir and then the adult choir until the summer before I left for college. So how could I, Super Jew that I am, possibly raise my kids anything else?

Quite honestly, there's two reasons: first, I'm bothered by organized religion. I'm bothered by the fact that unless you pay a certain amount of money, you aren't considered a member of a Jewish congregation. I'm bothered that my parents didn't attend my students' Bar Mitzvahs because they felt unwanted at a temple whose dues they couldn't afford. (Part of the reason I reached out for religion was that my fam was going through a difficult financial time when I was a teenager, as my father was unemployed for five years.) And second, recognizing that I gave up on the "Jews only" dating game when I was in high school, the possibility of me marrying a Jew went waay down. So how could I expect my husband to simply give over the moral/religious upbringing of his offspring simply because my tribe has an incredibly huge chip on its shoulder?

Jump forward a few years to the present day. Enter me and mi chavo - the most amazing man I have ever met. He treats me so well, he is such an amazing human being, we have so much in common, and oh yeah, he happens to be a Catholic Latino. (Hence using the Guatemalan term for boyfriend when referring to him.) Honestly, his religion and ethnicity never factored into my decision to date him or fall in love with him. Okay, so maybe being a hot latino in a football jersey in his online profile did make me want to meet him, but that's not why I fell in love.

Right. So enter stage left The Overbearing Jewish Mother. My mom has been on my case nonstop about my nonexistant children's religion ever since I told her about mi chavo. Let me be clear: it's the first thing she talked to me about when I mentioned that we started dating. Randomly, I have let my mother's biological clock tick its way into my convos with mi chavo. It got to the point where he thought I was the one bursting at the seems to pop out a baby. These convos with mi chavo escalated recently when we were discussing going out West to meet my folks. My mother was highly offended that I told her she could not ask mi chavo about his religion or his preferences in child raising. I told her we simply are nowhere near that point in our relationship and she said "if he's in my house, I'll ask him whatever I want. And it doesn't matter that you're not starting a family now, it's a possibility down the road and therefore you should be discussing it now."

This is no longer about me, my preferences, or my boyfriend. This is about my mother's irrational fear of baptised grandchildren. This is about the fact that my mother *never* questioned my sister-in-law about her religion (she's Christian) and it is about the fact that my mother never bothered to have her second grandson converted nor has she bothered to get my nephews into Hebrew School. (My brother and sister-in-law agreed to raise their two sons Jewish.) Why should I bear the brunt of her fears of the end of the tribe? Why doesn't she worry more about her grandkids that exist rather than bothering me about decisions that are years away?

For me, the issue is resolved (for now). Mi chavo wont be meeting my rents anytime soon (flights are too expensive) and we wont be discussing this topic again for many years to come. Unless of course, he complains about me posting about it. The thing is, this isn't about mi chavo or even our relationship. This is about my mother accepting that I can make my own decisions when it comes to my religion. This is about my mother letting go of control over her child's future. And this post is about me looking for clarity and compassion on how to deal with my mom's biological clock.

Posted by cj at 10:41 AM | Comments (0)

January 12, 2005

An Explanation for My Absence

Apologies for my lengthy absence from frivolity. I've been consumed by becoming a Contributing Editor of P! (pronounced P Bang). Please check us out - it's a collaborative progressive blog.

I've also been battling an infection and a flare up of fatigue and wrist pain. Arg. Hopefully, I'll have my physical problems dealt with by the end of the week.

Join me in watching Lost and Alias tonight (and taping West Wing).

Posted by cj at 04:41 PM | Comments (0)

January 05, 2005

Books I'd Love to Own

Here's a link to my Amazon wishlist.

When it's cold out, don't you just want to curl up with a good book? Me too. I'd love to curl up with one of these books...especially the nonfiction ones.

Posted by cj at 06:49 PM | Comments (0)

January 02, 2005

Happy New Year, Go Away

See, I just got back from a long weekend in Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin with mi chavo. Omigod. It is amazing to have the opportunity to leave everything behind you and focus on nothing but your love.

We stayed at The Barbican, in the Villa Suite. Sigh. It was great to have that much space for ourselves. It was so peaceful. It was so perfect.

Except, of course, for the parts that weren't. The mattress was springy - clearly hadn't been changed in years. The whirlpool tub's jet system made an annoying high pitched sound when turned on. And like every b and b, the Barbican doesn't have DVD players in the room. Right. But we took my laptop up and were able to watch some movies that way.

Now the food is quite amazing. Thursday night, we went to The Inn at Cedar Crossing for dinner. I had the most amazing food. I ate elk (elk!) with sun-dried tomato and the most amazing strudel ever (it included cheese, grilled onions, and mushrooms). Mi chavo had the duck confit and enjoyed it. The only bad part of the meal was the initial wine we ordered. We ordered a bottle and it tasted sour. Mi chavo tried to get them to take it back, and when they refused, we decided to just order another two glasses. Then they decided they could take back the unpoured part of the bottle and just charge us for two glasses. So we paid for four glasses of wine and drank two. Eh. The dessert was good too. Afterward, we went back to our suite and had some champagne while watching Beauty and the Beast (in honor of Jerry Orbach).

Friday, we had lunch at Perry's Cherry Diner (with good malts) and watched a bunch of What Not to Wear. Then we got dressed fancy schmancy and went to Sage Wine Bar. Giggle. Here's where mi chavo became my saint. First, we had crab cake appetizers. We ordered a Cote du Rhone wine, which was beautiful. For dinner, I ordered a veal chop with mashed butternut squash and mi chavo ordered quail with mashed sweet potato. Partly because we both drove up to Sturgeon Bay, my hands were hurting a lot. So, mi chavo cut my veal for me. While he was cutting, I tried a bit of his quail and felt like I was in heaven. I was overwhelmed by the meat I had already eaten (a cheeseburger at lunch in addition to the elk the night before) and when I told mi chavo that I preferred his quail to my veal, he asked if I wanted to switch meals. So then, because my hands still hurt, he proceeded to cut up the quail for me. Oh my goodness. Afterward, we had coffee and mi chavo tried the creme brulet. Then we went back to our suite and um, I fell asleep. But I did manage to wake up in time to kiss mi chavo on the stroke of midnight (CST), helpfully counted down by Conan O'Brien.

Saturday we had soup at the Inn at Cedar Crossing for lunch and um, I was having stomach issues. So we watched True Hollywood Story for several hours and then tried to find a simple place for dinner on New Year's Day. By simple, I mean meals less than $20 a piece. The only place fitting that description that was open was Applebee's, so that's where we went. Afterwards, we watched Pirates of the Caribbean.

Today, I was still able to watch Meet the Press and The Chris Matthews Show, despite the strange channels we were dealing with. Unfortunately, we were not able to see Ebert and Roeper, but mi chavo was a perfect gentleman about it.

He continued to be a gentleman when I insisted that I wanted to eat breakfast at Cracker Barrel. Now, the only Cracker Barrels I've ever eaten at were in the South on my drive to DC from LA, and they were amazing. Well, it turns out there aren't so many Cracker Barrels in northern Wisconsin. In fact, there are none. 170 miles later, on the outskirts of Kenosha, WI we found a Cracker Barrel with a 20 minute wait. We waited, eagerly anticipating our lunch. I ordered Vidalia onion rings, and the Sunday Special Chicken Dinner. Mi chavo ordered the Chicken Fried Chicken dinner. Per usual, mi chavo made the better choice. My chicken had too much breading and no gravy, while his had gravy to spare (so of course, he spared some for me). So, after sorta stuffing ourselves, we left the infamous Cracker Barrel. Yes, I was disappointed and yes, mi chavo laughed at me because he knew the poor quality of Cracker Barrels in the Midwest.

My roommate just confirmed that Cracker Barrels in the South are good stuff. Oh well. At least I got a lil bit of nice smelling lotion made with goat's milk.

I'd say more about how amazing it is to spend the weekend alone with your love, but frankly, I'd rather get back to being with him.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Posted by cj at 05:48 PM | Comments (0)

December 11, 2004

the best part of a book

The best part of a long book is when you're over a hundred pages into it...where you bookmark triumphly marks your foray into the heart of the book, where you're still excited by every turn of the page, and happy that you're not nearly half way through it. Where you feel like you're learning something, and being titillated at the same time. mmmm. The Other Boleyn Girl

(Mistakenly read out of order and after The Queen's Fool.)

Posted by cj at 07:59 AM | Comments (1)

December 07, 2004

going to bed mad

Someone once told me you should never go to bed mad. That if necessary, you should wash your face to cleanse yourself of tears and move on. Right. What if you're both mad and exhausted?

I didn't sleep much last night because I was so excited about launching my new blogs that I wanted to work on the templates as much as possible. I've never really used Movable Type before, nor have I used separate style sheets, so the whole thing is causing some issues. Not that I'm terribly made about that. No. That's not what I'm mad about.

Why the fuck do I get solicitation letters from my college every quarter? Don't they know that I can't even afford to fucking repay my student loan? Do they realize how annoying it is to get this stupid ass letter telling me that I need to support "Women Who Will...." and then read about all the fabulous internships and international travel done by current students of my alma mater? Don't they think that maybe, just maybe, in this economy some of their recent graduates never had the chance to do any of those fun things as students because they were too busy trying to scrounge together enough loan money to stay in school for another year? And maybe those same students are struggling to make ends meet out in the Real World?

I used to constantly write about how Swellesley was the Real World; that I was sick of people telling me I was going to grow up so much more when I got out of that coddling environment. Well guess what - the only thing that's changed is that delusional dreams get you nowhere fast when there's rent, a car note, and a student loan bill to pay. Women Who Will Change The World? Only if daddy's trust fund is paying for it.

Posted by cj at 10:22 PM | Comments (1)